My elder son was the first marvel that I gave birth. I sometimes think with emotion about the day of his birth: a real small angel !
He was a rather shy and kind child. That is why it was often the object of mockeries and taunts on the part of his companions to the primary school.
When he reached the pre-adolescence, he began to become less kind with me. At the age of thirteen, while I moved in walker following a grave fracture caused by an aggression, he was so arrogant as I tried to slap him ; he evaded and this movement revived my pain. By looking at me with a derisive smile, he tells me : "you see, you hurt yourself."
In sixteen years, his behavior asserted itself. He used my bank card without my knowledge to pay off debts contracted with companions of high school. While he prepared his driving accompanied by a qualified driver, he stole the keys of my car, one evening, to go to walk in town with a friend. He was arrested by the police without licence obviously and placed under police custody all night long especially as he had tried to escape law enforcement.
At the age of seventeen, he borrowed again my car to go to the nightclub with his friend and the mother of the one to which he had settled down against my will. He was again arrested by the police without licence having consumed cannabis. When I got back him, instead of regretting, he was even more rebel. By being around his friend and her parents drug addicts, my son sank completely into the cannabis.
From eighteen years, he lost his jobs not only because of his behavior, but also because he did not succeed in getting up in the morning. As I did not want to receive his friends drug addicts, he made them pass through the window of his bedroom.
By being able no more such actions (1), I eventually throw out him while he was twenty-year-old, and he settled down at his new friend's where he stayed already more and more frequently without telling me. From time to time, he came to ask me for some money and continued to use my credit card (2) probably to finance his consumption of cannabis. He refused be helped to release himself from his addiction (3).
At the age of twenty three, he became a dad and obtained his driving licence, what encouraged him to borrow my car more and more regularly. A few months later, he damaged it seriously, under the influence of drink as well as the friends who accompanied him. Very fortunately, there was no physical injury but my vehicle was irreparable.
Besides, he did not assume his father's role and spent a lot of time with his friends drug addicts, leaving his partner all alone of the whole evenings (4).
His main center of interest was the cannabis, and, his friends worked him up against his partner. She left him a few days before his twenty-fourth birthday, after a big quarrel during which he knocked down her.
A short time later, I met my companion. In this period, I had no more car but financial difficulties (5).
When my elder son put me again the pressure to get money immediately, my companion intervened and was threatened verbally by him. Two days later, to shield me from the harassments (6) and from the psychological pressures the object of which I was, my companion made me leave my home and took me in his house.
As my elder son did not want to work, he did not succeed in assuming alone the rent of the housing which he occupied previously with his partner, and he was expelled. His younger brother welcomed him then during a month in the course of which he borrowed him some money and caused him high expenses of telephone. Then, his ex-partner accommodated him several weeks before he settles down at his maternal grandparent's.
In this period, I got in touch with a service of family mediation to find a solution to our conflict. Unfortunately, this attempt failed because I was the object of accusations (7) on the part of of my elder son who victimized in the point to succeed in convincing both mediators that I was completely responsible for our disputes. (8)
A short time later, he stayed five months at my parents until the death of his grandfather. This evening, when I cross the door of the gate of my parent's house, I discovered with amazement an opposite trash can and a heap of garbage which strewed the ground in front of the house. Inside emanated a strong and nauseating smell and, in the living room, papers as well as torn pouches were scattered (9).
Two days later, I went to the bank of my parents to plan the financing of funeral. I was surprise when the employee announced me that all the accounts were empty and that the current account presented even a debit balance of 1000 euro (10)!
My parents had no more the financial resources to replace their old heating system, too obsolete to be repairable. They possessed to heat their homes that a small electric radiator which released only a low heat.
After funeral, I found in a chest of drawers the stubs of numerous checkbooks which my father had kept. On the stubs of the most recent appeared the writing of my elder son. Compared with the statements of bank transactions, I noticed that my son had noted the sums lower than the amounts really debited (11). He cheated over the amount of the shopping that he ade for his grandparents and was skillful to despoil his relatives while invoking financial difficulties. As every manipulator, he knew how to play the comedy to deceive better !
He had so taken advantage of the weakness of his grandparents whose health had considerably degraded.
My father who had known a life of labour since the age from fourteen years to sixty eight years, ended his existence in a big destitution.
To protect my mother disabled, I was forced to make a request of guardianship. A few months later, the guardian put on sale the house to pay the debts and provision the accounts of my mother who was placed in retirement home because her health did not allow her to live alone.
After these events which were extremely difficult to live for me, I did not have contact anymore, during several months, with my son who had moved at his new friend's. On the occasion of a phone conversation, I succeeded in telling him of what I thought of his behavior and he seemed to recognize his wrongs. Our relations improved during approximately one year. Unfortunately, my youngest son informed me that his older brother made dénigrants speeches towards me. When I asked him to pay attention on its words if he wanted that we stayed on good terms, he bombarded me with reproaches and made feel guilty me during more than one hour by the telephone (12)! I tried then to put limits by sending him the following SMS :
« J., I shall not any more agree to listen to your speeches full of reproaches and resentment. When you will stop giving me lessons, saying me what I have to make, and you will have positive and constructive speeches, make me it know. Good evening. Mom »".
He answered me : « that smells P. it is strange not ? And you know, it is not reproaches it is the truth, and it is easy to say talks constructive while by your facts you demolished me (13) if I am like that today it is thanks to you (14) I know what you are going to say worries you, he tries to make feel guilty me this is why I do not speak too much with you because I know that it is useless we choose not his family it is not. And anyway it is true there is something who broke itself between us already early with D. then that continued years later that did not settle is better than we cut short bye ».
Extremely weakened psychologically by the previous two narcissistic perverts (my father then my husband), I had no other choice than to interrupt again the relation to protect me. What a cruel disappointment to be fed to me of illusions !
We met two years later on the occasion of the birthday of his younger brother. A few weeks later, while we were about to see again each other, I learnt that my second son had been hospitalized because he « could not it any more » to undergo the verbal and psychological ill-treatments of his brothers.
After having depreciated him, humbled, having made feel guilty and despoiled financially during two years, his brothers put him the pressure to move and emptied his apartment against his will. My elder son wanted his younger brother to come to live near him to have a total influence.
It was a big pain to notice in the course of the months the worsening of the schizophrenic disorders of my second son, and I took steps to try to make him protect by the Justice, but without result. Even if I had understood well that this hospitalization was salutary, it was a shock for me to see again my second son to the psychiatric hospital, and I stopped any contact with his brothers. Three months later, while I did not answer his phone calls, my elder son let me know by SMS that he wished to see again me. To resum a relation on healthier bases, I sent him several written messages (15):
- « Hello J., I hope that you recovered well of your dental infection. I do not succeed in going out of the big depression which I linger on since in the middle of June on 2016 when you returned Jo's affairs at F. to oblige him to take back Jo at his home. Jo who was already obnoxious with F. continued to speak to him badly, to denigrate him, to criticize him injustly; furthermore, he prevented him from sleeping, from going to the day hospital and to the Ranch, from taking his medicine of 18 hours (6 pm) so that he stays up with him and A. what aggravated a lot the disease (16) of F. Jo. was not alone to injure F., A. and Pi. behaved badly with him. I was present a day when A. shouted on F. without reason, I took the defense of F. because Jo. agreed with A. and did not support his own brother. It is regrettable that you supported A. by coming in (...) when he asked for help you. It is a great pity that you imposed on F. a moving in (...) while he wanted to stay in (...) to continue to look after himself at the hospital. When you emptied his housing, very sick F. made a grave crisis to the day hospital. Your behavior and that of Jo. would have been able to have dramatic consequences, because it had scarified in the wrist one week before. My big wish is that you change behavior so that F. and I can look after ourselves finally in better conditions. I could resume then finally normal relations with you because I love you my son ! Mom »
« Mom I believe that we badly explained to you lets me get you on the phone to explain you because it is not at all that which passed. For Jo. yes because financially I did not have enough money. For F. I took him because F. was afraid he did not want to stay at his home and I did not want that to end in fight because needs to see the threats that he has (17) made for F. when they were on (...) it is alone him who looked for the apartment which even I told him you are sure F. and he told me yes and I even told him as the house which he visited did not please me and as does not come on (...) just to please me believe in me he was determined I do not know that he slit his wrists and on that in spite of all you explain to him he does not understand »
- « Hello J., I think that you do not realize that the disease (16) of F. aggravated a lot because of the bad behavior which he underwent and which he is now going to be sick all his life. You, who had a big dental infection, imagine what you would live if you had to keep it all your life. I know something about it, me who am never recovered me again from grave ill-treatments which I underwent throughout my life. It is necessary to let thus imperatively F. take care of himself quietly, without judging him, without making him reproaches, without criticizing him unjustly and without making him feel guilty. If, as you assert it, you did not put him the pressure so that he comes to settle down in (...) why did you make him so many difficulties to return him all his affairs, threatening him even to put them to him on the pavement while he was hospitalized ? For example, why you did not return him his withdrawal card which was then found swallowed in a cash dispenser, and his social-security card which he had to make doing again because it is essential for the care of his disease ? Do you believe that your attitude towards F. is the one of a respectful brother ? Mom »
« You know mom you speak badly about your husband I made mistreated bla bla but you had not many guys who bought you a new car and he has never asked you to pay off it (18). Of 2 when you put yourself with his own son D. (19) I understand that he was able to freak out. Why I did not want to return the affairs to F. because I was in financial difficulties and because I already had Jo. and because nobody helped me it is not a reproach but I tell it to you and of 4 take for a fool.
And of 3 we do not take me for an imbecile I do not support it. He has never called up me only once when I was at the hospital when I told him he told me I know I did not call you because I did not want that Jo. worries I freaked out but anyway. A last detail you made worse with me and the essential it is that I did not make it. In any case know that you hurt me when you told F. he speaks to you but if he is kind with you it is because he needs because you are his toxin and after I believe in you, you hav once more disappointed me. Know that for F. that is going to be clean I speak any more to nobody and if one day you want to call up call
And it is not the cash dispenser who swallowed him the credit card it is me who put it in the letterbox of the bank you should not confuse everything because already for you I am a thief but let us not talk about it any more »
- « The big problem with you, it is that you never want to recognize your wrongs, that you take your lies for the truths, and that you ignore the sufferings which I lived with your father whom you keep putting on a pedestal while he had a very violent behavior. Finally, I realize that you did not change at all. (20) It is very unfortunate !! It is a great pity because we would have been able to resume relations on healthier bases.
It is not to make dirty your father that to express the physical and psychological ill-treatments which I unfortunately suffered from him during several years, because it is the sad reality. To make dirty him, it would be to have made slanderous comments. The death does not endow him with saint's virtue if he has not been in the course of his life. Who would have raised you with your brothers if I had received in full temple the frozen piece of meat which he had thrown me right in the head without just valid reason because he was angered ?
J., as long as you will persist in not recognizing your wrongs (there is nothing degrading to recognize the faults, on the contrary it is to show maturity), to tell lies, not to assume your acts by laying the blame of your bad choices upon the others, to ignore the ill-treatments which I underwent, to launch attacks by moving the situations of the past on which you have a vision completely deformed by the reality, I cannot unfortunately speak to you because I am well sick and I have to protect myself. I am profoundly saddened with it because I love you my son, and I have never stopped loving you in spite of your bad behavior and the offensive words which you sometimes uttered towards me.
I would like to specify that I have never made you responsible for the very bad choice which I made by agreeing to marry your father, and which I have never asked you to pay off me the car which your father had offered me when you broke it accidentally by being under the influence of the alcohol, by trying grandstanding with your friends and your youngest brother. I hope of all my heart that you will agree a next day be helped, to make a work on you (free of charge with the CMP of (...) or in the service of Dependences in (...) for example) and release you from your addictions, to be really able to change behavior in a positive way, and that we can finally renew more serene relations. I wish you a better path of life. Mom »
« And I shall not go to the cmp because that will make me lose too much time and because I do not feel the need » (3)
- « It is very unfortunate that you do not feel the necessity of going you to the CMP or in the service of Dependences to do a work on you, on your sufferings which you express by pouring out of the aggressiveness on your close family, and on your addictions, because you enormously need it. I am thus obliged to keep protecting me of you, because if I left (...) very reluctantly and put under guardianship, it is so that you cannot take anymore my credit card to finance your addictions. Because of your harassment, I found myself overdraft, with unpaid invoices and in banking prohibition, which had for consequence to aggravate my health. Furthermore, I was not even able to buy a concession to bury Grandpa who must thus be inhumed in common grave because he did not have money anymore on his accounts and because he had even a 1000-euro overdraft because of the very numerous checks which you used for your personal expenses. Do not you believe that it would have been more responsible from you for meeting your needs by looking for the work ? Grandma must thus be immediately placed under guardianship after the death of Grandpa, to be financially protected from you. It was the same for F., placed under guardianship from his return of (...) to be protected from his two brothers drug addicts. If you got in touch with a CMP to begin a work, T. who has a psychological follow-up for several years would be doubtless less perturbed. You think for example that it is normal for a small child to tell to his grandmother : "Dad told me that you had hurt him !" Do you believe that such words do not perturb him ? Especially as he had to hear it many others. A child of this age does not have to be involved in the relational problems of the adults.
I hope that you will eventually understand finally that it is essential that you begin this work on you to be able to change behavior and become a more mature and more responsible father nearly 30 years. All the more as you conceived a second child ! I am very too sick to continue to suffer the consequences of your extremely harmful behavior on the members of our family. As said Grandpa when you were adolescent, by addressing you and your brothers: "you will eventually kill her, your mother. Nevertheless you should well treat carefully her, because there is only she who can bear you." Mom »
« And your father you would have a little more gone to see him he would have died later not you prefer to stick your P. but if you knew what grandpa thought of you. And he often said it I do not tell the truth to her otherwise she would not speak to me any more for life and he was right. And my son has no psychological problem (21) it is that he was not lucky (22) but you yes. Because when I see that I do everything to be nice your kid the Jo I would have been able to let him starve Even no gratitude I try to resume contact with you and you instead of saying no I do not want to speak again to you that's all and well you make full of reproaches which I know for years remember what I am going to tell you today you win in a few years you will lose you will see we shall talk again of it at this moment. And I was well stupid to resume contact with you now send me no more messages it is finished it's better this way »
- « I do not make you reproaches J., I remind you simply the grave consequences of your behavior. I notice that you persist in ignoring the problems of T. as you ignore yours. I am persuaded that, if you had never been a drug addict, our relations would have been able to be better. The drug destroys families ! The drug destroys everything !! I win nothing, quite the opposite, I have already lost everything for a long time, including my health. It has been a very long time my life was broken. If I had lost interest in you, I would not have taken so much time for six days to write you so long messages, my son. Mom »
I so tire out trying to make him become aware grave consequences of his bad successive behavior. (23) Indeed, my elder son wanted to receive no advice, to hear no remonstrance; in short, he turned a deaf ear ! (24)
One month later, the day of the Grandmothers' Day, he had even the hardness to send me the following message :
« Then you do not speak to me any more because your guy too much showed off when he saw me and when I almost folded him as a mosquito because he showed you no respect and you like that anyway it is your story (25). But that my kid comes to your home every Wednesday it is something else I warn you and you can transmit this message to the cops in the justice to whom you want if one day it arrives at him something to the garden in front of your building I shall lodge a complaint against you and if one day I hear that you speak to him of me I shall make the same thanks to you even to you know that the justice is not finished and you can inform who you want »
Very saddened, I considered that words so aggressive deserved no answer from me.
Unfortunately, as all the manipulators, my elder son, in the immature behavior, denied his acts (26) and refused to admit his wrongs. According to him, I was and stay the only one responsible for his problems. Incapable to understand my sufferings, he continues to ignore deliberately the ill-treatments which I underwent on behalf of his father (27) _ whom he witnessed regrettably in his childhood for some of them, over a period of ten years _ and of his grandfather as well as the disastrous consequences on my psychic health.
His father who had chosen to be frequently absent throughout his childhood (28) did not give him the education which he would have needed to learn to live in society, and did not initiate him to give up wanting to satisfy immediately all his desires to be capable of supporting the frustration. As every manipulator parent, when it was present, he did not assume his role of father (29) and took pleasure to impede the efforts which I began to try to set up a coherent education system (30). Without paternal education (31), my son thus remained in the infantile omnipotence.
During his adolescence, I was often hurt by the hatred which showed through his words: he seemed to have a grudge against everyone. I did not understand the reason why he felt so much hatred.
For several years, I also became the subject of his resentments. Even today, he reproaches me for having to leave my home to escape the psychological pressures the object of which I was from him. (32) The threats and the insults which resulted from it (33) forced me to take enough distance with him to protect me. I am always profoundly saddened with it because I love my son, but I could not keep anymore accepting his actions.
I keep the hope that he end by becomes aware of the gravity of his acts and that he stops reproducing them so that I can finally resume with him a normal relation. (34)
(1) "(..) The bad misbehavior of young people come most of the time from the bad education which their fathers give them." translated from french : "(..) les mauvais déportements des jeunes gens viennent le plus souvent de la mauvaise éducation que leurs pères leur donnent." translated by french : (Cf. Les fourberies de Scapin (The deceits of Scapin), Molière, acte II, scène première, p. 48, Librairie Larousse, Paris, 1964)
(2) "There is still a way for these (manipulative) people to position themselves relative to the money : make you pay !" translated from french : "Il y a pour ces personnes (manipulatrices) encore un moyen de se positionner par rapport à l'argent : vous faire payer !" (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 64, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(3) The manipulators cannot be cured, first of all because they refuse categorically to go to consult a psychologist or a psychiatrist most of the time. When they succeed there, it is common to hear them that they are more cunning than the "shrinks" and that, anyway, the "shrinks", it is for the crazy !
(4) "The future mom thinks that her spouse "is immature and hopes that the birth will make more concrete things. She believes that he will realize finally at this moment that he is a father and that he will then begin to grow up." translated from french : "La future maman pense que son conjoint "est immature et espère que la naissance rendra les choses plus concrètes. Elle croit qu'il réalisera enfin à ce moment-là qu'il est père et qu'il commencera alors à mûrir." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? (Children of manipulators How to protect them ?), Christel Petitcollin, p. 28, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(5) "(...) the manipulators are able to user the financial resources of others and to benefit from their material possessions without any scruples." translated from french : "(...) les manipulateurs sont capables d'exploiter les ressources financières d'autrui et de bénéficier de leurs biens matériels sans aucun scrupule." (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 55, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(6) "The moral harassment is a process which, once engaged, will not stop any more and cannot go only by getting worse." translated from french : "Le harcèlement moral est un processus qui, une fois enclenché, ne s'arrêtera plus et ne pourra aller qu'en s'aggravant." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? Children of manipulators How to protect them ?), Christel Petitcollin, p. 21, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2011)
(7) "A manipulator is an accuser. When he stopped crying on his own fate, he will always try to return to the object of his hatred and to make his trial." translated from french : "Un manipulateur est un accusateur. Quand il a fini de pleurer sur son propre sort, il essaiera toujours de revenir à l'objet de sa haine et de faire son procès." (Ibidem p. 197)
(8) "When it is about a manipulator and his victim, it's a waste of time. The mediation is not adapted when there is a manipulator involved. (..) The sessions of mediation are for the perverts a means to continue to assault (..) The victims go out of it flattened. (..) The mediators are getting the run-around, instrumented, returned as pancakes." translated from french : "Quand il s'agit d'un manipulateur et de sa victime, c'est peine perdue. La médiation n'est pas adaptée quand il y a un manipulateur en jeu (..) Les séances de médiation sont pour les pervers un moyen de continuer à agresser (..) Les victimes en sortent laminées. (..) les médiateurs se font balader, instrumentaliser, retourner.comme des crêpes." (Ibidem p. 197-198)
(9) My elder son had adopted a young dog which made excrements in the house and urinated frequently in the entrance of rooms. It is my very old and handicaped father _ he moved only with a walker _ which had to clean excrement ! My son took charge of nothing, never took out the trash cans and did not even give to eat to his dog.
"If nobody passes behind a manipulator to tidy up and clean, his interior is fast transformed into dump." translated from french : "Si personne ne passe derrière un manipulateur pour ranger et nettoyer, son intérieur se transforme vite en taudis." (Ibid p. 38)
(10) The account of my parents had already presented an important debit balance, and my elder son put pressure so that I deposited as a matter of urgency a sum of money in cash to fill the overdraft. He suggested making the intermediary but he kept 100 euros !
(11) The monthly expenses had more that doubled last months ! My elder son used deceitfully the checkbooks of his grandparents. A home help informed me later that he had taken checks, for approximately six months, and had signed them himself without having power of attorney on the account. He went as far as selling the car of his grandfather by imitating his signature.
"Financial and material avidity is no longer contained by morality or ethics." translated from french : "L'avidité financière et matérielle n'est plus contenue ni par la morale ni par l'éthique." (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 65, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(12) "If, through your avoidance and appeasement strategies, you detect a change, you will see that the house of cards collapses after two months and a maximum of four months ! What seemed finally be a change was only a truce to put you to sleep, that is to say to turn off your vigilance, to lower your guard which prevented him somewhat to feed his ego. The cycle of toxic attitudes returns. In reality, it never disappears. The peace phase lasts several months, that’s all. This recurrence, despite your efforts to find a balance of relationship and harmony, will provide you an electrical shock that will make the task of forgiveness difficult. We usually forgive someone who has faulted in the past and who no longer seems to threaten our integrity. Moreover, how can we «forget» such suffering which reminds us beyond three or four hours of contact (some speak of minutes only), since the attacks persist." translated from french : "Si, grâce à vos stratégies d’évitement et d’apaisement, vous détectez un changement, vous constaterez que le château de cartes s’écroule au bout de deux mois et au maximum quatre mois ! Ce qui semblait être enfin un changement n’était qu’une trêve pour vous endormir, c’est-à-dire éteindre votre vigilance, faire baisser votre garde qui l’empêchait quelque peu de nourrir son ego. Le cycle de ses attitudes toxiques revient. En réalité, il ne disparaît jamais. La phase de paix dure plusieurs mois, c’est tout. Cette récurrence, malgré vos efforts pour trouver un équilibre de relation et une harmonie, vous dispensera un choc électrique qui vous rendra la tâche du pardon difficile. On pardonne généralement à quelqu’un qui a fauté dans le passé et qui ne semble plus menaçant pour notre intégrité. De plus, comment «oublier» une telle souffrance qui se rappelle à nous au-delà de trois ou quatre heures de contact (certains parlent de minutes seulement), puisque les attaques persistent." (Ibidem, p. 141)
(13) "(..) A real aggressor does not feel guilty. However, he is completely ready to say himself victim, because anyway what happens cannot be of his fault, thus necessarily it is of the fault of other one." translated from french : "(..) un véritable agresseur ne se sent pas coupable. Par contre, il est tout à fait prêt à se dire victime, puisque de toute façon ce qui se passe ne peut être de sa faute, donc forcément c'est de la faute de l'autre. (Cf. Petites violences ordinaires. La violence psychologique en famille (Small ordinary violence. The psychological violence in family), Yvane Wiart, p. 38, Éd. Le Courrier du Livre, Paris, 2011)"
"The difficulty of authentic and sincere communication relates to the egocentric aspect. Conversations barely have time to develop when the manipulative parent “makes it all about him”. So he leaves the impression that he is indifferent to what is happening to you." translated from french : "La difficulté de communication authentique et sincère se rapporte à l'aspect égocentrique. Les conversations ont à peine le temps de s'élaborer que le parent manipulateur « ramène tout à lui ». Il laisse donc l'impression qu'il est indifférent à ce qui vous arrive."(Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 99, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(14) The manipulators like that we feel sorry for their fate. "(..) The manipulators are professionals of the victimization. (..) We consider them fragile and vulnerable, while they are indestructible and while they always fall again on their legs, but they know how to obtain the pity of their circle of acquaintances to the point that we forget who are the real victims." translated from french : Les manipulateurs aiment que l'on s’apitoie sur leur sort. "(..) les manipulateurs sont des professionnels de la victimisation. (..) On les croit fragiles et vulnérables, alors qu'ils sont indestructibles et qu'ils retombent toujours sur leurs pattes, mais ils savent obtenir la pitié de leur entourage au point qu'on en oublie qui sont les vraies victimes." (Ibidem p. 19)
(15) "Blocked in her humanist values, the victim always tries to restore the dialogue to find a common ground and makes feel guilty not to arrive there." translated from french : "Bloquée dans ses valeurs humanistes, la victime cherche toujours à restaurer le dialogue à trouver et culpabilise de ne pas y arriver." (Ibidem p. 79)
(16) "Shrink are despised, ridiculed, turned in derision by the manipulators because for them, the psychic disease does not exist." translated from french : "Les psy sont méprisés, ridiculisés, tournés en dérision par les manipulateurs car pour eux, la maladie psychique n'existe pas." (Cf. Christel Petitcollin, Echapper aux manipulateurs [to Escape the manipulators], Guy Trédaniel Éditeur, Clamecy, 2016)
(17) It is about A.
(18) "(...) the more the lack of the "absence" of the father, the more they are compensated by an unconscious idealization." translated from french :"(...) plus les manques se font sentir de « l'absence » du père, plus ils sont compensés par une idéalisation inconsciente."(Cf. père manquant fils manqué [father missing missed son], Guy Corneau, p. 25, Éditions de l'Homme, 1989)
(19) "One of the unfortunate consequences of this self-victimization process is that it feeds on the accusation of other people’s attitudes. This is defamation. (...) The manipulator has no qualms to generate the doubt about the morality of anyone, even a member of his family." translated from french : "Une des conséquences malheureuses de ce processus d'autovictimisation est qu'il se nourrit de l'accusation des attitudes d'autrui. Il s'agit de diffamation. (...) Le manipulateur n'a aucun scrupule à induire le doute sur la moralité de quelqu'un, même celle d'un membre de sa famille." (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 70, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(20) "I also maintain that they are incurables. At first, because they are not askers of change. The manipulators are very proud and very satisfied with what they are. Everybody is stupid except them, who understood everything of the life! Then, because they have a system of thought locked in front of the self-criticism: they are perfected and everything is always of the fault of others." translated from french : "Je maintiens également qu'ils sont insoignables. D'abord, parce qu'ils ne sont pas demandeurs de changement. Les manipulateurs sont très fiers et très contents de ce qu'ils sont. Tout le monde est bête sauf eux, qui ont tout compris de la vie ! Ensuite, parce qu'ils ont un système de pensée verrouillé face à l'autocritique : eux sont parfaits et tout est toujours de la faute des autres." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 55, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(21) "Most of the time, the manipulator parent refuses that the child sees a shrink. He has very too much fear that his abuses become visible." translated from french : "La plupart du temps, le parent manipulateur refuse que l'enfant voie un psy. Il a bien trop peur que ses malveillances deviennent apparentes." (Ibidem p. 257)
(22) "While the crybabies make their number and usurp victims' status, their children suffer, develop psychological disorders." translated from french : "Pendant que les pleurnichards font leur numéro et usurpent le statut de victimes, leurs enfants souffrent, développent des troubles psychologiques." (Ibidem p. 145)
(23) "We cannot reason with a manipulator, we can only set limits to him, and if possible firmly." translated from french : "On ne peut pas raisonner un manipulateur, on ne peut que le cadrer, et si possible fermement." (Ibidem p. 23)
(24) Whatever are the wise words, even the most relevant advice, the manipulators do not want to listen.
(25) Although I moved for six years, my elder son has a grudge against me still enormously. He is always so furious; it is the reason why he is so denigrating towards me.
(26) "A manipulator cancels periodically all the realities which displease him." translated from french : "Un manipulateur annule périodiquement toutes les réalités qui lui déplaisent."(Ibidem p. 93)
(27) The perversity of my husband (annex 3 to the article "Survive family hell")
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/the-perversity-of-my-husband.html
(28) "(...) the more the lack of the "absence" of the father, the more they are compensated by an unconscious idealization." translated from french :"(...) plus les manques se font sentir de « l'absence » du père, plus ils sont compensés par une idéalisation inconsciente."(Cf. père manquant fils manqué [father missing missed son], Guy Corneau, p. 25, Éditions de l'Homme, 1989)
(29) "The manipulator parent is a cheat. He usurped parent's title, but he has no intention of performing the function. He has no parental skill (..)." translated from french : Le parent manipulateur est un imposteur. Il a usurpé le titre de parent, mais il n'a nullement l'intention d'exercer la fonction. Il n'a aucune compétence parentale (..)." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 233, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
So, my husband never went to the school of his children; when they were small, he has never accompanied them in the park situated near our home so that they can play outdoor games; he has never put them to bed or not brought to a medical appointment, no more than to a swimming pool during the summer. All that he knew to make, it is to send them play the video console from the age of two years to remain quiet and not have to look after them. Nevertheless he was inactive !
"No, all the parents do not love their children. It is a false idea. (..) They [the perverse parents] love nobody, more their children than somebody else (..) You know the proverb: there isn't love, there are only proofs of love." translated from french : "Non, tous les parents n'aiment pas leurs enfants. C'est une idée fausse. (..) Ils [les parents pervers] n'aiment personne, pas plus leurs enfants que quelqu'un d'autre (..) Vous connaissez l'adage : il n'y a pas d'amour, il n'y a que des preuves d'amour." (Ibidem p. 234)
(30) "At first hypocritically, then more and more openly, the manipulator is going to hinder his wife in his parental function. (..) Every time the mom will try to put limits to the children, the manipulator will manage to discredit his authority. He will put her in difficulties by inciting the children to the disobedience, then to the provocation." translated from french : "D'abord sournoisement, puis de plus en plus ouvertement, le manipulateur va entraver son épouse dans sa fonction parentale. (..) À chaque fois que la maman essaiera de poser des limites aux enfants, le manipulateur s'arrangera pour discréditer son autorité. Il la mettra en difficultés en incitant les enfants à la désobéissance, puis à la provocation." (Ibidem p. 30)
(31) "A lack of limits makes impulsive, furious and unthinking." translated from french : "Un manque de cadrage rend pulsionnel, rageur et irréfléchi." (Ibidem p. 118)
"Sons who haven't received adequate « fathering » often face the following problems : in adolescence (...) They may (...) have learning problems. They often have difficulties to assume moral values, take on responsibilities, and develop a sense of duty and obligations to others. The absence of limits will manifest itself just as well in the difficulty of exercising authority than having to respect it." translated from french : "Les fils qui n'ont pas reçu de « paternage » adéquat font souvent face aux problèmes suivants : à l'adolescence (...) Ils peuvent (...) avoir des problèmes d'apprentissage. Ils éprouvent souvent des difficultés à assumer des valeurs morales, à prendre des responsabilités et à développer un sens du devoir et de leurs obligations envers autrui. L'absence de limites se manifestera tout aussi bien dans la difficulté d'exercer une autorité que d'avoir à la respecter." (Cf. père manquant fils manqué [father missing missed son], Guy Corneau, p. 25, Éditions de l'Homme, 1989)
(32) When a manipulator is left or avoided, he feels abandoned as a small child affected in his infantile omnipotence. Having undergone this big frustration for which he will need to take revenge, he feels then hatred and fury. HIs sadism and his desire to frustrate become intensified and continue after the separation which constitutes a narcissistic wound.
(33) "He has the reactions of a predator who loses his prey or those of a drug-addict to whom we stole his drugs." translated from french : "Il a les réactions d'un prédateur qui perd sa proie ou celles d'un drogué à qui on a volé sa came."(Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 59, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(34) It is inconceivable for a mother who really loves her son to realize that he lacks affect, that he became a person calculator, profiteer and not a poor victim. Which disappointment having struggled for nothing during several years to become aware that her son had no intention to change. It is much more comforting to consider him always as a victim than to admit that he is a malicious and violent adult. To justify the deviant behaviour of my son allowed me to make his actions less unacceptable.
Quotes :
"Men and women with narcissistic personality need, they believe, always to be right, to decide, even against the advice of the majority, to be served as monarchs of ancient times and to feel that they have the privilege not to obey the rules imposed by society, institutions, diverse and varied organizations. In other words, they spend their lives verifying that their will is fulfilled by others. The egocentric side of this aspect can easily be seen by the fact that they don't take into account the risk-taking that the other has to assume, or simply the reorganization that this requires !" translated from french : "Les hommes et les femmes à la personnalité narcissique ont besoin, croient-ils, d'avoir toujours raison, de décider, même contre l'avis de la majorité, d'être servis comme des monarques des temps anciens et de sentir qu'ils ont le privilège de ne pas obéir aux règles imposées par la société, les institutions, les organismes divers et variés. Autrement dit, ils passent leur existence à vérifier que leurs volontés soient exaucées par autrui. Le versant égocentrique de cet aspect se constate facilement au fait qu'ils ne tiennent aucunement compte des prises de risque que l'autre doit alors assumer, ou tout simplement à la réorganisation que cela lui demande !" (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 104, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
"The main defence system set up by the aggressor to face the difficulties of the existence is the denial and the projection. It consists in saying, simply put: it is not of my fault, it is of the fault of other one. (..) On no account, the aggressor can agree to be responsible for the failure or for the error which he made. He is ready to invent any excuse even the most improbable and the most ridiculous not to have to face the personal implication which he could have in the situation, when this one is lived by him as negative." translated from french : "Le principal système de défense mis en place par l'agresseur pour faire face aux difficultés de l'existence est le déni et la projection. Cela consiste à dire, pour faire simple : ce n'est pas de ma faute, c'est de la faute de l'autre. (..) En aucun cas, l'agresseur ne peut accepter de prendre la responsabilité de l'échec ou de l'erreur qu'il a faite. Il est prêt à inventer n'importe quelle excuse même la plus improbable et la plus ridicule pour ne pas avoir à faire face à l'implication personnelle qu'il pourrait avoir dans la situation, lorsque celle-ci est vécue par lui comme négative." (Cf. Petites violences ordinaires. La violence psychologique en famille [Small ordinary violence. The psychological violence in family], Yvane Wiart, p. 30-31, Éd. Le Courrier du Livre, Paris, 2011)
"When we are manipulator, we are him everywhere, all the time and with everybody." translated from french : "Quand on est manipulateur, on l'est partout, tout le temps et avec tout le monde." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ?[Children of manipulators. How to protect them?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 225, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
"The parent of the manipulator is generally himself a pervert." translated from french : "Le parent du manipulateur est en général lui-même pervers." (Ibidem p. 26)
"The manipulators take their children [or certain close family] for confidants, eveen for shrinks and tell them all their "misfortunes", that is their stinginess, their frustrations and their projections paranoiacs. They complain continuously, pour out all their resentment, accuse the circle of acquaintances of being the source of their contrarieties." translated from french : "Les manipulateurs prennent leurs enfants [ou certains proches] pour des confidents, voire pour des psys et leur racontent tous leurs « malheurs », c'est-à-dire leurs mesquineries, leurs frustrations et leurs projections paranoïaques. Ils se plaignent en continu, épanchent toutes leurs rancœurs, accusent l'entourage d'être la source de leurs contrariétés." (Ibidem p. 52)
"The manipulators "are grasping, miserly, dishonest and interested. They never give anything without anything and even passed masters in the art to exchange their promises, thus of the wind, against your firm pledges. Yes they are crooks." translated from french : "Les manipulateurs "sont cupides, avares, malhonnêtes et intéressés. ils ne donnent jamais rien sans rien et sont même passés maîtres dans l'art de troquer leurs promesses, donc du vent, contre vos engagements fermes. Oui ce sont des escrocs."(Ibidem p. 39)
"Resign yourselves : his desire to destroy you to punish for having left will never disappear totally. As soon as he will have the space of it, he will attack you. To you to let him not more the space to harm you." translated from french : "Résignez-vous : son envie de vous détruire pour vous punir d'être parti ne disparaîtra jamais totalement. Dès qu'il en aura l'espace, il vous attaquera. À vous de ne plus lui laisser l'espace de vous nuire." (Ibidem p. 94)
Article written by Cristina Casado Belmonté
Article "Survive family hell" :
The perversity of my father (Annex 1) :
The demancia of my mother (Annex 2)
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/the-demencia-of-my-mother.html
The perversity of my husband (Annex 3) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/the-perversity-of-my-husband.html
My methods of safeguarding to protect my psyche (annex 5) :
To free itself from the influence of the manipulators (annex 6) :
- Learn to recognize a manipulative person (annex 7) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/learn-to-recognize-a-manipulative-person-4.html
- When the sport becomes a real therapy ! (annex 8) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/when-the-sport-becomes-a-real-therapy.html
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