My mother sank into a grave and incurable mental pathology : the hallucinatory psychosis, during the first years which followed her marriage. His state was characterized by often violent delirious words, by agitation and monologue almost ceaseless.
The demencia of my mother was a part of my everyday life throughout my childhood (1), throughout my adolescence and of the first years of my life of young adult.
I remember although when I was a child, my mother assaulted often verbally my father (2) at the time of the meals which took place in a very tense atmosphere. The rest of her days, she declaimed aloud delirious words, what did not allow me to do homework in good conditions. To learn my lessons in peace, I was sometimes forced to go out of the home. As far as I can remenber, my mother always made me cry for the Mother's Day. She refused my presents by asserting me that she didn't need it or by reproaching me for not having offered to her one having more value. This day was for me, every year, a source of sadness and contrariety.
When I had five years, on the occasion of a change of house, my mother didn't share anymore the conjugal bed. Instead of installing me in the next bedroom, she imposed me an impossible choice : "sleep, either with dad, or with mom". After a long moment of hesitation, I choose the parent to which I was affectionately the closest. My mother agreed it (3), and was so at the origin of the fact that I sleep with my father during eleven years !
In the adolescence, I tried to make her understand that I didn't want to sleep anymore with my father, but she ignored totally my request. Her passive behavior had grave consequences on the course of my future life.
When I became a young adult, I met a man with whom I very fell in love. When she learnt it, to impede me from seeing him, she began following me or locking myself in twice every time I was just about to go out. My mother so succeeded, in association with my father, to frustrate my first sentimental relation. Dispaired, I lost then completely the desire to live, sank into the anorexia and my body inhibited itself strongly. A few months later, during my hospitalization in a nursing home, I became acquainted with a patient much older than me while I suffered still terribly from the loss of my first love ; I had to bring myself to marry him at his request in a surge of survival to escape the parental influence which pulled me inevitably towards a slow death. Unfortunately, in the course of the same year, my husband returned me to live in my parents' home, because he became the partner of my father and saw in this way the opportunity to save the price of a rent. He did not take into account my opinion and the nightmare began again !
The situation worsened after the birth of my first son, because the crazy influence of my mother was more and more felt painfully. Indeed, she harassed me with a suspicious look and negative reflections, every time I breast-fed my baby, to such a point that I had to give up it after three months, being too much stressed ! From then on, she monopolized totally my child : she gave him the feeding-bottle systematically to my place, locked into her bedroom in the twilight, and I had to impose daily to be sometimes able to change him his diapers. My mother did not either let me give him his bath, only my father had "the right" of it from time to time. She reduced the living space as well as field of vision of the baby by installing a sheet around his park and by refusing stubbornly that I take out him of the baby carriage when I succeeded in bringing him outside.
Not enduring anymore to be deprived of my mother's role, I expressed to my husband of my desire to leave the parental home. This time, he took into account it not because he was finally sensitive to the ordeal which I lived, but because my father could not pay him at the level of the sums which he had promised. My husband envisaged that we leave without our son, because my mother did not let us bring him with us. The maternal love gave me the strength to refuse firmly. He was out of the question that I leave without my child ! In front of my determination, he suggested me going to ask for help of a general practitioner. That's how, during a visit improvised on the pretext of consulting our baby, she allowed us being able to proceed to his kidnapping, and thus to extirpate him of the extremely possessive claws of his grandmother. This very real scene would have been able to go out straight of a cinematographic film !
Very fortunately, the situation was different in the birth of my second son because, as my father still exercised a professional activity, my parents stayed at our place of residence situated in five hundred kilometers from their home, that a few days.
The months which followed the birth of my third child looked like those a lot whom I had to go through for my first one, because my husband insisted repeatedly so that my parents extend their stay at our home. (4) Finally, I was forced to endure them during more than six months ! My mother declared even to our general practitioner : « If my daughter had made two babies, I would have taken one ! ».
Supported by my medical team, I reached nevertheless, at the price of a large expenditure of energy to impose more. Thanks to the work made with my psychologist and my psychiatrist, I found, for the first time, the force to face my parents, in particular my father, to ask them to go back home. This confrontation with my father, who represented for me an insuperable rock, was a big step forward towards my emancipation !
The demencia of my mother always impeded me from communicating and from having a normal relation with her. I suffered from it throughout my life !
(1) "(...) when the insanity of the parent is perceived only through incomprehensible behaviors (...) the insanity is just not « perceived ». The aberrant conduct of the parent is rather interpreted as an aggression that makes impossible any sense of security." translated from french : "(...) lorsque la folie du parent n'est perçue qu'à travers des comportements incompréhensibles (...) la folie n'est justement pas « perçue ». La conduite aberrante du parent est plutôt interprétée comme une agression qui rend impossible tout sentiment de sécurité." (Cf. Psychologie de la fonction parentale [Psychology of the parental function], Gérard Poussin, p. 238-239, Éditions Privat, Toulouse, 1993)
(2) "(..) To criticize a parent in front of his child is destructive. (..) It is this suffering power ten which feels a child whose we denigrate a parent in his presence. It is what he lives permanently with the manipulator parent. Then it would definitively be destructive that the other parent also makes it.", translated from french : "(..) critiquer un parent devant son enfant est destructeur. (..) C'est cette souffrance puissance dix que ressent un enfant dont on dénigre un parent en sa présence. C'est ce qu'il vit en continu chez le parent manipulateur. Alors il serait définitivement destructeur que l'autre parent le fasse aussi." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 231, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(3) When I had five years, on the occasion of a change of house, my mother didn't share anymore the conjugal bed. Instead of installing me in the next bedroom, she imposed me an impossible choice : "sleep, either with dad, or with mom". After a long moment of hesitation, I choose the parent to which I was affectionately the closest. My mother agreed it (2), and was so at the origin of the fact that I sleep with my father during eleven years !
In the adolescence, I tried to make her understand that I didn't want to sleep anymore with my father, but she ignored totally my request. Her passive behavior had grave consequences on the progress of my future life.
(4) When a manipulator father grows tired of playing with his baby, he tries to get rid of him by placing him to somebody else : to the mother, to her own mother, to her mother-in-law...
Quote :
"Overprotection is the opposite of protection and blocks the process of child empowerment." translated from french : "La surprotection est le contraire de la protection et bloque le processus d'autonomisation de l'enfant." (Cf. Psychologie de la fonction parentale [Psychology of the parental function], Gérard Poussin, p. 146, Éditions Privat, Toulouse, 1993)
Article "Survive family hell" :
The perversity of my father (Annex 1) :
The perversity of my husband (Annex 3) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/the-perversity-of-my-husband.html
My elder son : successor of manipulators (Annex 4) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/my-elder-son-successor-of-manipulators.html
My youngest son : successor of tyrant (annex 5)
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/11/my-youngest-son-successor-of-tyrant.html
My methods of safeguarding to protect my psyche (annex 6) :
To free itself from the influence of the manipulators (annex 7) :
- Learn to recognize a manipulative person (annex 8) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/learn-to-recognize-a-manipulative-person-4.html
- When the sport becomes a real therapy ! (annex 9) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/when-the-sport-becomes-a-real-therapy.html
Article written by Cristina Casado
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