The psychological ill-treatments (1) which I underwent on behalf of my toxic parents made me sink in the adulthood into a deficient pre-psychotic state (2).
I presented from then on the following post-traumatic symptoms of stress :
- Withdrawal ;
- Lack of self-esteem (3) ;
- Depressive state (4) ;
- Lack of interest for the everyday life ;
- Loss of the taste for the favorite activities (5) ;
- Sense of guilt (6) ;
- Walking in small steps (7) ;
- Anorexia nervosa ;
- Incapacitated to choose with discernment her partner and his trusted persons (8) ;
Afterward, the physical, sexual and psychological ill-treatments imposed by my narcissistic perverse husband aggravated my already deficient psychic health. Four symptoms became intensified (9) and six new appeared :
- Important sexual blockings ;
- Nightmares (10) ;
- Sleeping disorders ;
- Extreme sensibility to the external dangers (11) ;
- Images and sounds relative to events of past.
- Desire for suicide (12) ;
These various forms of ill-treatment had numerous consequences :
- premature loss of the carefreeness and the spontaneity ;
- increasing of my perfectionist tendency ;
- quasi-permanent stress (13) ;
- permanent hyper-control of my movements ;
- loss of self-confidence (14) ;
- big sensibility in the criticisms (15) ;
- need to overprotect my children even become adults.
Since a few years, the abusive behavior of my sons entailed the appearance of two new symptoms and an increase of three old :
- shaking in the writing ;
- extended diuresis ;
- anxiety of anticipation much more frequent for banal situations ;
- increasing of my obsessional tendencies ;
- higher frequency of sleeping disorders.
To protect me from sufferings lived with my parents and my deceased husband, I set up unconsciously mechanisms of defense (16) to survive (17) such as the psychomotor inhibition by hyper-control (slowing down of the movements, self-restraint) by gestures), the compulsive obsessions (repetition of the same gestures in particular for the acts of wash to which I devote a lot of time), to reduce my anxiety.
Yet my living conditions having changed, these defenses became obsolete. From now on, they imprison me, prevent me from living, separate me others and hurt me.
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Every time I feel capable, I try to decrease the intensity of these defenses by imagining that I pull down the walls of my psychic prison (18) by relaxing me, by trying to enlarge my steps.
I make of the cardiac coherence and practice the running or the fast walking daily.
When negative mental images appear, I try, every time it is possible for me, to push away them by thinking of real-life positive situations. Indeed, it is important to visualize positive situations (situations of success, benevolence, well-being...), because such images always help to progress, thus to move forward. The positive images are constructive and their effects of the most beneficial on the psychic health whereas the negative are destructive.
This work on the representations allows to realize significant progress, to appreciate them completely, to facilitate the letting go, to trust more in the life and in the future.
Contrary to certain methods which are sustainable, it is possible to feel quickly the benefits of this practice.
When painful memories come over me the mind, I refocus on the present to protect my psyche. But to live the present moment is really possible only when the difficult memories do not contain any more their negative emotional charge which, by parasitizing on the brain, prevents from being in peace, really present, centered and durably serene. This emotional charge maintains, many years later, in a state of contracture, disruptiving the mind, the capacity to face the diverse situations of the life, and often also affecting the physiological health.
The negative memories act on the unconscious as an obstacle and are at the origin of blockings. That is why I decided to consult a psychologist clinician practising the EMDR, method to desensitize the traumas. The ill-being stored in the memories is authorized to leave while it was kept and contained in oneself.
I have begun this psychotherapeutic (19) work to get rid of the painful memories of their negative emotional charge in order to decluter the sky of my life of the numerous clouds of the emotions !
(1) "(..) The quantity and the diversity of the undergone psychic violence have medium and long-term more perverse effects that the gravity of the recorded physical harm (..) What they [the researchers] call intrapsychic difficulties concern the anguishes, the anxiety, the depression, a lack of self-esteem, a negative vision of the world and the suicidal ideas." translated from french : "(..) la quantité et la diversité des violences psychiques subies ont des effets plus pervers à moyen et long termes que la gravité des atteintes physiques enregistrées (..) Ce qu'ils [les chercheurs] appellent difficultés intrapsychiques concerne les angoisses, l'anxiété, la dépression, un défaut d'estime de soi, une vision négative du monde et des idées suicidaires." (Cf. Petites violences ordinaires. La violence psychologique en famille), Yvane Wiart, p. 156, Éd. Le Courrier du Livre, Paris, 2011)
"Moral violence erodes self-confidence. It attacks the resources of self-love. In this way, it continues to weaken these victims to undergo further violence. When we have been led to believe that we are no better off, we accept violence as normal. When we are convinced that we don't deserve more, we can believe that we have provoked the other to mistreat us. When you are demolished and weakened, you give a negative self image that amplifies the violence again : more fragile is the subject, the easier it becomes to treat him sadistically..." translated from french : "La violence morale érode la confiance en soi. Elle attaque les ressources d'amour propre. De cette façon, elle fragilise encore ces victimes à subir de nouvelles violences. Car quand on a été amené à croire qu'on ne vaut pas mieux, on accepte la violence comme normale. Quand on est convaincu qu'on ne mérite pas plus, on arrive à croire qu'on a provoqué l'autre à nous maltraiter. Quand on est démoli et fragilisé, on donne une image de soi négative qui amplifie les violences de nouveau : plus le sujet est fragile, plus facile il devient de le sadiser..." (Cf. La violence morale au quotidien, préface de Karen Sadlier, Éditions J. Lyon)
(2) "(...) clinical analyses (...) have indicated that the risk of psychotic decompensation in adulthood was an extremely frequent consequence of the confrontation of the child with the madness of his parents..." translated from french : "(...) les analyses cliniques (...) ont indiqué que le risque de décompensation psychotique à l'âge adulte était une conséquence extrêmement fréquente de la confrontation de l'enfant à la folie de ses parents..." (Cf. Psychologie de la fonction parentale [Psychology of the parental function], Gérard Poussin, p. 239, Éditions Privat, Toulouse, 1993)
(3) Toxic relationships "lower self-esteem to such an extent that some individuals get bogged down in a failure neurosis, programmed to miss everything they undertake." translated from french : Les relations toxiques "abaissent l'estime de soi à tel point que certains individus s'enlisent dans une névrose d'échec, programmés pour rater tout ce qu'ils entreprennent." (Cf. Savoir gérer les relations toxiques, Christophe Médici, p. 11, Éditions Dangles, 2015)
"We have happened to devote infinite care to heal in our patients their narcissism at a very young age bruised by the deleterious and disparaging tactics of pathologically narcissistic parents ; nothing is more important than helping patients to reconstitute (...) the torn skin of their Ego. Lucky if they haven’t been forever destroyed !" translated from french : "Il nous est arrivé de consacrer des soins infinis à panser chez nos patient(e)s leur narcissisme très tôt meurtri par les manœuvres délétères et disqualifiantes de parents pathologiquement narcissiques ; rien n'est plus important alors que d'aider les patients à reconstituer (...) la peau déchirée de leur moi. Encore heureux s'ils n'ont pas été à tout jamais délités !" (Cf. Les perversions narcissiques [Narcissistic perversions], Paul-Claude Racamier, p.41, Payot, Paris, 2012)
"Self-esteem is indispensable for us to continue to live and to invest in our actions." translated from french : "L'estime de soi nous est indispensable pour continuer à vivre et à nous investir dans notre action." (Cf. Psychologie de la fonction parentale [Psychology of the parental function], Gérard Poussin, p. 161, Éditions Privat, Toulouse, 1993)
(4) "In the depression induced by narcissistic perversion, the state of psychic devastation (...) reflects a narcissistically empty Ego, bearer of nearly zero self-esteem (...)" translated from french : "Dans la dépression induite par la perversion narcissique, l'état de dévastation psychique (...) rend compte d'un Moi narcissiquement vide, porteur d'une estime de soi quasi nulle (...)" (Cf. Chantal Wagner, Relation d'objet dans la perversion narcissique [Object relationship in narcissistic perversion]. Se soutenir : déconstruire l'autre, dans L'information psychiatrique 2012/1, p. 21-28, John Libbey Eurotext)
(5) Because of the loss of the taste to live. For example, I lost any pleasure to read from the end of my higher education.
(6) As most of the victims of narcissistic perverts, my sense of guilt appeared at the same time as my anxiety attacks when I broke for the first time at the age of 22 one of the parental prohibitions : that not to date a young man. This guilt has developed and has intensified because of the ill-treatments which my husband made me undergo during our common life which turned out real conjugal hell.
"This sense of guilt, which is what lives profoundly in the victims of psychological violence (..)" translated from french : "Ce sentiment de culpabilité, qui est ce qui habite profondément les victimes de violences psychologiques (..)" (Ibidem p. 60)
(7) This symptom appeared following a big emotional shock due to the confinement and the accompaniment of my "gaolers parents" during authorized exits from 23 to 24 years, which precipitated my psychic decline and favoured the emergence of physiological symptoms : hair loss, loss of weight, incontinence by pressing need.
(8) what made me vulnerable to the narcissistic perverts and to the swindlers.
(9) withdrawal, lack of self-esteem, depressive state, sense of guilt.
(10) which generate respectively feelings of fear and sadness.
(11) which generates behaviors of avoidance and the procrastination.
(12) due to a profound despair.
(13) "When the stress reaches an extreme level, the body protects itself by a phenomenon of dissociation, a partitioning of affects in comparison with the rationality." translated from french : "Lorsque le stress atteint un niveau extrême, l'organisme se protège par un phénomène de dissociation, un découpage des affects par rapport à la rationalité." (a) (Cf. Petites violences ordinaires. La violence psychologique en famille, Yvane Wiart, p. 64, Éd. Le Courrier du Livre, Paris, 2011)
(a) see first comment below
(14) In the adulthood, the children raised by toxic parents show almost all a self-destructive behavior. "They have the impression to have no worth, no capacity and they feel unworthy to be loved (...) They continue to bend under the burden of the guilt and the incompetence, what causes them grave difficulties to develop a positive image of themselves. The lack of confidence and poor self-esteem who result from it can then contaminate all the aspects of their life." translated from french : "ils ont l'impression de n'avoir aucune valeur, aucune capacité et ils se sentent indignes d'être aimés (...) ils continuent à ployer sous le fardeau de la culpabilité et de l'incompétence, ce qui leur cause de graves difficultés pour élaborer une image positive d'eux-mêmes. Le manque de confiance et la piètre estime de soi qui en résultent peuvent alors contaminer tous les aspects de leur vie." (Cf. Susan Forward avec Craig Buck, Parents toxiques, Comment échapper à leur emprise, p. 17, Nouvelles Éditions Marabout, 2013, translated from american : Toxic parents : overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life, Batam Books, New York, 1989)
"The toxic relations : they are destructive, make spending a lot of energy, undermine the self-esteem and the self-confidence " translated from french : "Les relations toxiques : elles sont destructrices, énergétivores, sapent l'estime de soi et la confiance en soi" (Cf. Savoir gérer les relations toxiques, Christophe Médici, p. 61, Éditions Dangles, 2015)
(15) "But the shame and the guilt which does not feel the mistreating adult will be carried by the child through years, will make him morbidly sensitive to the criticisms and will sometimes lead him until the suicide." translated from french : "Mais la honte et la culpabilité que n'éprouve pas l'adulte maltraitant seront portés par l'enfant à travers les années, le rendront maladivement sensible aux critiques et l'emmèneront parfois jusqu'au suicide." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ?, Christel Petitcollin, p. 183, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(16) "Defensive mechanisms are unconscious psychological processes aimed at reducing or canceling the unpleasant effects of real or imaginary dangers, by modifying internal and/or external realities and whose manifestations – behaviours, ideas or affects – may be unconscious or conscious." translated from french : "Les mécanismes de défense sont des processus psychiques inconscients visant à réduire ou annuler les effets désagréables des dangers réels ou imaginaires, en remaniant les réalités internes et/ou externes et dont les manifestations – comportements, idées ou affects – peuvent être inconscients ou conscients." (Cf. Les mécanismes de défense, théorie et clinique, Serban Ionescu et al., 1997)
(17) "Bundle of stress, anxiety, shame and depression, the survivors of ill-treatment often cross their existence entangled in their mechanisms of survival, very alone, aware to be different, but without finding of outcome in their confinement.", translated from french : "Boule de stress, d'angoisse, de honte et de déprime, les ex-victimes de maltraitance traversent souvent leur existence empêtrées dans leurs mécanismes de survie, très seules, conscientes d'être différentes, mais sans trouver d'issue à leur enfermement." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ?, Christel Petitcollin [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?] , p. 184, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(18) "Your prison is made by doubt, by fear and by guilt (..) At the stage of mental confusion or your manipulator brought to you, you need an energetic against wash of brain." translated from french : "Votre prison est faite de doute, de peur et de culpabilité (..) Au stade de confusion mentale ou votre manipulateur vous a amené, vous avez besoin d'un contre-lavage de cerveau énergique."(Ibidem p. 205)
(19) Every child educated by toxic parents is in no way responsible for ill-treatments which he underwent while he was a fragile and vulnerable being. But, become an adult, he is responsible for initiatives that he will take and for acts that he will implement to try to overcome difficulties associated to his painful past.
Quotes :
"This capacity of self-defence is our common luggage. We possess all the same survival kit in case of existential problem (..) But, if our luggage is common, each has the way to implement the program. (..) In a not aware way, each opted for such or such behavioral habits, of escape, fight or withdrawal. (..) Such or such strategy of particular defense allowed us to adapt us better to our environment and, thus, to survive." translated from french : "Cette capacité d'autodéfense est notre bagage commun. nous possédons tous le même kit de survie en cas de problème existentiel (..) Mais, si notre bagage est commun, chacun a sa façon de mettre en œuvre le programme. (..) De façon non consciente, chacun a opté pour telles ou telles habitudes comportementales, de fuite, de lutte ou de repli sur soi. (..) telle ou telle stratégie de défense particulière nous a permis de mieux nous adapter à notre environnement et, donc, de survivre." (Cf. Émotions : quand c'est plus fort que moi. Peur, colère, tristesse : comment faire face [Emotion : when it is stronger than me. Fear, anger, sadness : how to face], Catherine Aimelet-Périssol et Aurore Aimelet, p. 44-45, Éditions de Noyelles, Paris, 2018)
"The dissociation can be such as a part of the reality disappears, whole pieces of the real-life experience are hidten, in the memory of old facts as very recent facts. The elements which disappear from the access to the consciousness are the ones which do not correspond to the official version that the victim had to make to survive. It is about situations containing an important affective load which the taking into account would come to threaten the exercise and the efficiency of the strategies put in place to endure the adversity. The perception of the harmfulness of the behavior of the aggressor and the attraction for positive situations are blocked then at the same time, wages of pleasure and well-being in other settings, with other people. These positive situations immediately come second plan, even are totally hidten as soon as they may interfere with the sense of duty, what to do to get in good with and risk no retaliatory measure, especially on behalf of the aggressor who will not miss to react to any breach in his requirements. As for the non-perception of the real harmfulness of the aggressor, it is necessary to continue to endure the situation, and as it was the object of a conditioning of survival from the childhood, as we saw it, it activates automatically, placing outside the scope the substance of the problems." translated from french : "La dissociation peut être telle qu'une partie de la réalité disparaît, des pans entiers du vécu sont occultés, dans le souvenir de faits anciens comme de faits très récents. Les éléments qui disparaissent de l'accès à la conscience sont ceux qui ne correspondent pas à la version officielle que la victime a dû se fabriquer pour survivre. Il s'agit de situations comportant une importante charge affective dont la prise en compte viendrait menacer l'exercice et l'efficacité des stratégies mises en place pour supporter l'adversité. Sont alors bloqués à la fois la perception de la nocivité du comportement de l'agresseur et l'attrait pour des situations positives, gages de plaisir et de bien-être dans d'autres cadres, avec d'autres personnes. Ces situations positives passent immédiatement en second plan, voire sont totalement occultées dès qu'elles sont susceptibles d'interférer avec le sens du devoir, ce qu'il faut faire pour être bien vu et ne risquer aucune mesure de rétorsion, surtout de la part de l'agresseur qui ne manquera pas de réagir à tout manquement à ses exigences. Quant à la non-perception de la nocivité réelle de l'agresseur, elle est nécessaire pour continuer à supporter la situation, et comme elle a fait l'objet d'un conditionnement de survie dès l'enfance, comme on l'a vu, elle s'active automatiquement, plaçant hors champ le fond même des problèmes." (Cf. Petites violences ordinaires. La violence psychologique en famille, Yvane Wiart, p. 64-65, Éd. Le Courrier du Livre, Paris, 2011)
"Graver still than this invasive guilt, associated with a shame of what the others are going to think of her chronic incompetence, is the profound terror which eventually seizes the victim, plunged into situations of aggressiveness against her since the childhood. This terror to make badly and to hear it ceaselessly to blame reached such a degree of permanence that it becomes integral part of her way of functioning and that she does not perceive it any more as such. (..) She watches herself constantly, feels on the alert, watching for the expression of other one to try to determine at which moment the accusations and the reproaches are going to fall, and she tries to prevent this as far as possible. However, she is not inevitably conscious that all this is the expression of an intense fear, and if she realizes that she is afraid of something, she minimizes the intensity and often attributes it to other causes that the relation of aggression which she undergoes and that she does not spot as such in all her scale. This terror which does not say anymore its name, so much it became usual, manifests itself by a hyper-vigilance to the environment, the diffuse feeling of threat which is expressed by a sensation of locatable anxiety in its physical expressions, lump in the throat, the knots in the stomach (..) This terrifying anxiety by itself by its incomprehensible and uncontrollable nature, is accompanied by tiredness, with problems of focus (..) The victim can have problems of sleep, ruminating in the insomnia her difficulties in which she finds no solution (..) have a nightmare (..)" translated from french : "Plus grave encore que cette culpabilité envahissante, associée à une honte de ce que les autres vont penser de son incompétence chronique, est la profonde terreur qui finit par s'emparer de la victime, plongée dans des situations d'agressivité à son encontre depuis l'enfance. Cette terreur de mal faire et de se l'entendre sans cesse reprocher atteint un tel degré de permanence qu'elle en devient partie intégrante de son mode de fonctionnement et qu'elle ne la perçoit plus comme telle. (..) Elle se surveille constamment, se sent sur le qui-vive, guettant l'expression de l'autre pour essayer de déterminer à quel moment les accusations et les reproches vont tomber, et elle essaie d'y parer autant que faire se peut. Cependant, elle n'a pas nécessairement conscience que tout cela est l'expression d'une peur intense, et si elle se rend compte qu'elle a peur de quelque chose, elle en minimise l'intensité et l'attribue souvent à d'autres causes que la relation d'agression qu'elle subit et qu'elle ne repère pas comme telle dans toute son ampleur. Cette terreur qui ne dit plus son nom, tant elle est devenue habituelle, se manifeste par une hyper-vigilance à l'environnement, un sentiment de menace diffus qui se traduit par une sensation d'angoisse repérable à ses expressions physiques, boule dans la gorge, nœuds à l'estomac (..) Cette angoisse terrifiante par elle-même par son caractère incompréhensible et incontrôlable, s'accompagne de fatigue, de problèmes de concentration (..) La victime peut avoir des problèmes de sommeil, ressassant dans l'insomnie ses difficultés auxquelles elle ne trouve aucune solution (..) faire des cauchemars (..)" (Ibidem p. 62-63)
"Some troubles from which we suffered cannot fade as it is the case for the most part of the dreams." (Pascal Bourdaloue)
Article written by Cristina Casado Belmonté
Article "Survive family hell" :
The perversity of my father (Annex 1) :
The demancia of my mother (Annex 2)
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/the-demencia-of-my-mother.html
Live with a narcissistic perverse husband (Annex 3) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/the-perversity-of-my-husband.html
My elder son : successor of manipulators (annex 4) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/my-elder-son-successor-of-manipulators.html
My youngest son : successor of tyrant (annex 5)
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/11/my-youngest-son-successor-of-tyrant.html
To free itself from the influence of the manipulators (annex 7) :
- Learn to recognize a manipulative person (annex 8) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/learn-to-recognize-a-manipulative-person-4.html
- When the sport becomes a real therapy ! (annex 9) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/when-the-sport-becomes-a-real-therapy.html
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