The man who was going to become my husband a few months later arrived in my life during a period when I was very alone and in full distress.
While I was hospitalized in a house provided with medical care in mountain, he entered and settled down in the room of the refectory where I was among the last patients to finish my meal. Twenty four years old, I noticed barely this man of certain age in the casual look. However, he, quickly spotted me (1). From the next day, he asked to the service staff to be placed at my table !
He began speaking to me and sympathized immediately (2) with me. From this moment there, he forged against me into a friendly (3) and paternalistic relationship, at least was it what I had believed. Locked by my parents, I had never been able to make experiences ; I could not thus doubt the sincerity of the friendly feelings that showed me this patient especially as he had the double of my age. Its attention and the paternalistic affection brought me the human heat which I so much needed. He knew how to behave with me who had never gone out, by cheering up my stay by meals to the restaurant, cinema sessions and strolls.
A few weeks later, during a walk, he made me, much to my surprise, a sentimental declaration and asked me to marry him. My first reaction was to refuse ! Been still very in love of my lost first love, I could not conceive to agree to unite with a man of whom I knew perfectly well that I could never be in love. He took then a permission slip of several days and I well found myself alone.
As I had already made a stay of five months, the person in charge of the service informed me that my discharge was planned in a month because, at that time, the average hospitable stays did not exceed six months. Very anguished at the prospect to be forced to return to the parental home, because my health did not allow me to aspire looking for a job and I ignored that there were social benefits to which I was entitled and who would have allowed me to be independent, I thought of the proposal of marriage which had been formulated to me.
Due to the lack of information, I had to my knowledge only two possibilities : either I took the risk of continuing to decay in the parental "prison", or I was allowed a chance live by marrying this in fact nice patient who showed me some attention.
When I accepted finally this union, to survive, I was conscious that I sacrificed my body, my youth and my dreams to this man who had the age old to be my father. My marriage was far from being the most beautiful day of my life ! I thought of what had told me my first love : « there is only you whom I want for woman !» And I was profoundly sad.
A short time later, I discovered other aspects of the personality of my husband (4).
He began to reveal his impulsive behavior during a lunch at my parents in which he struck up a conversation (or rather one almost soliloquizes) on the theme of various make of motor-cars. As he turned regularly to me, my father knowing my lack of interest for the subject pointed out to him : « Do you believe that Cristina is interested in cars ?». Hurt, he got up in one leap by saying : « Then you take me for one fool », and rushed in my bedroom. When I joined him to try to calm him, he handed me immediately his wedding ring (5) without saying a word. I was extremely shocked by the violence contained in this gesture and by this totally disproportionate reaction which I did not understand.
His big impulsivity was sometimes translated by acts so sudden as irrational. This is the way on the occasion of a stay at my parents, he found nothing better that to go out one night through the window of my bedroom to go to visit his elder son (born of a first marriage) who was hospitalized in psychiatry in more than 900 km. This idea had crossed his mind in the course of the night, and he had acted immediately without warning me beforehand. You can easily imagine what was my surprise to notice his absence the following morning, but also my worry (6) especially as I did not succeed in getting him on the telephone during four days !
Moreover, I became aware of his alcoholic addiction when he tried to stop drinking. His face deformed by grin uncontrollable frightened me for the first time. His attempt failed and he began to become violent when he had too much drunk.
One evening when I had just entered our bedroom, he caught me by hair and threw me on the bed. He knocked me on the head hanging a large part of the night and hurt me in the knee by pushing me brutally against the radiator. I got hit silently, only the tears which flowed along my cheeks, in the darkness, translated my despair. This act of violence was caused by his impatience to have a sexual intercourse (7) with me having gulped down several glasses of whisky. This first time was not unfortunately the last one !
Other brutalities followed for motives quite even more derisory (slaps, table knocked down during the meals, the jostling by pulling me by hair). (8)
One day, on a fit of anger, he threw me even a meat frozen on the head ! I barely had time to evade it. This reflex saved me probably the life.
My husband also used the intimidation to frighten me and terrorize me. He exercised strong psychological pressures, some intensive blackmail, threats and instrumented the close family. For example, he threatened repeatedly to me to beat myself (9) if I did not submit myself to his requirements. (10) He was capable of putting himself in a state of furious madness, simply because he did not find a paper (because of his big disorder), because I had a few minutes of delay to sit down to eat while I ended the bath of one of our sons, or still just because I had passed in the pharmacy before going home. (11)
In these moments, his face became almost scarlet, his look darkened until become black of hatred. (12) His fits of rage were terrifying! (13)
My husband was not only rough but also unfaithful. He had even the cruelty to accommodate one of his mistresses at our home, during several days, (14) while our elder son had only nine months (15). One evening, he took me by the hand and brought me in the bedroom which she occupied to make me attend their romps to show me how it had to be done. This scene was horrible for me ! I would have wanted to die to end the humiliation and the unbearable suffering which I felt. My husband and his mistress imposed me on this period a real torture !
All these ill-treatment had the consequence of weakening me (16). Often tired, I was regularly going through long periods of anemia.
This boorish and cunning but uncultivated man, who was neither affectionate nor soft (17), did not understand why I did not succeed in taking sexually some pleasure with him. How would I have been able to feel some desire for such a man ? Furthermore, with the paunchy stomach, its inelegant look and its smoking breath, it was far from being man's kind which would have been able to attract me.
Besides, he used my psychomotor difficulties bound to my depressive and anxious disorders to depreciate me and persuade me that I was an incapable. (18) He had even succeeded in persuading me that I was not a normal woman. (19) When a friend or a neighbor complimented him « on his beautiful and elegant wife », he liked to answer them « yes, but she has difficulties ! ». He had to make several long stays in cardio-respiratory center during the last ten years of his life so that I realized that I was really capable of making many things.
After eight years of marriage, thanks to the psychological evolution made possible by the psychotherapeutic work which I made, I had the courage to try to leave him. At first, the association which I had contacted beforehand agreed to help me, and accommodated me during eight days with my children. Regrettably, when the person in charge of the association met my husband very good at manipulation (20), he refused to pursue his support and deeply advised me to re-enter my marital home. « Your husband really doesn't seem so terrible ! Your attitude is irresponsible ! » he asserted me. (21)
In fact, on the pretext that I deformed the reality and that I amplified negatively the situations because of my depressive disorders, that in reality I tried to regain my freedom in the only purpose to cheat on him, my husband had skillfully shown himself convincing.
Thus I was forced to return to the marital home. This is the way he was able to keep complicating my life, mistreating me and tyrannizing me. He pursued the company of destruction introduced by my father until his last breath !
This manipulator, perverse and malicious man was not the one that I wished to marry but three small angels who were born of this union were my big loves. I spent them completely numerous years of my life.
Since a few years, I love a good, sensitive, intelligent and cultivated man who grants me a sincere attention, supports me and sets care of me on a daily basis. Near him, I feel good and finally in safety ! Thanks to him and to my medical team, my health improved although I have another long way to go.
Just like my father, my husband presented all the aspects of a narcissistic perverse personality (22). As Christel Petitcollin exactly told it in his book I think of too much (23), "the perverts are malicious, hateful, suspicious, grumpy, cowardly, empty and can even be cruel. It is necessary to them to make dirty, to crush, to massacre all which is love and joy of life (..) The wickedness and the omnipotence which it confers them provide them an sharp and exhilarating enjoyment. When they lie, when they hurt and when they humiliate, they consider themselves very strong and very intelligent".
Lying, sure of themselves, sneaky, peremptory and accusatory, they are proud of who they are at the bottom of themselves and are unable of self-criticism.
Typical profile of the narcissistic pervert, my husband was a real predator (24) extremely dangerous (25). In big manipulator, he had known how to attract me in his nets (26) to be able to persecute as he pleases !
(1) "The manipulator scans very fast the person who he is dealing with. He is extremely cunning. He looks for victims who have a disorder of the self-esteem, who have a strong propensity in the guilt, who have the syndrome of the rescuer, that is who want to help at all costs the others, or still who suffer from emotional dependence." translated from french : "Le manipulateur scanne très vite la personne à qui il a affaire. Il est extrêmement malin. Il recherche des victimes qui ont un trouble de l'estime de soi, qui ont une forte propension à la culpabilité, qui ont le syndrome du sauveur, c'est-à-dire qui veulent aider à tout prix les autres, ou encore qui souffrent de dépendance affective." (Cf. Isabelle Nazare-Aga, article Les pervers narcissiques, prédateurs impitoyables, Le Monde.fr, 26 mai 2012)
"The paranoid projection (...) is for the paranoiac to fix one's choice on a « victim » who will become the host of the venom." translated from french : "La projection paranoïaque (...) consiste pour le projeteur à jeter son dévolu sur une « victime » qui va devenir l'hôte du venin." (Cf. Les perversions narcissiques [Narcissistic perversions], Paul-Claude Racamier, p .11, Payot, Paris, 2012)
(2) "This first mask [sympathetic] is by far the most common. It is also the most dangerous because it perfectly conceals the game of the manipulator : he is smiling, extroverted, lively and, at times, knows how to be attentive to others. He speaks a lot and without difficulty. He positions himself, takes his place." translated from french : "Ce premier masque [sympathique] est de loin le plus fréquent. C’est également le plus dangereux parce qu’il dissimule parfaitement le jeu du manipulateur : il est souriant, extraverti, bon vivant et, à certains moments, sait se montrer attentif aux autres. Il parle beaucoup et sans difficulté. Il se positionne, prend sa place." (Cf. Isabelle Nazare-Aga, Les manipulateurs sont parmi nous [The manipulators are among us], p. 17, Éditions de l'Homme, 2013)
(3) "A good percentage (about 60%) of manipulators are given as rule of conduct to create friendly relations as quickly as possible (...) or to work towards we found them at first glance sympathetic. They are smiling, very attentive, generous (...) and use flattery." translated from french : "Un bon pourcentage (60 p. 100 environ) de manipulateurs se donnent comme règle de conduite de créer des relations d’amitié le plus rapidement possible (...) ou de faire en sorte qu’au premier abord nous les trouvions sympathiques. Ils sont souriants, très attentifs, généreux (...) et utilisent la flatterie." (Cf. Isabelle Nazare-Aga, Les manipulateurs sont parmi nous [The manipulators are among us], p. 18-19, Éditions de l'Homme, 2013)
(4) "He feels (...) the enjoyment of the power of influence. He's looking for it at the expense of calm, happiness, shared joy and harmony… The narcissistic personality has the immense power to unbalance all this and create negative emotions in others in a few seconds ! (...) To gain strength himself narcissistically. Only to give herself the illusion, temporary (...), that she is superior to others, and this, even to her spouse and her own children…" translated from french : "Il ressent (...) la jouissance du pouvoir d’influence. Il la recherche au détriment du calme, du bonheur, de la joie partagée et de l’harmonie… La personnalité narcissique a l’immense pouvoir de déséquilibrer tout cela et de créer des émotions négatives chez autrui en quelques secondes ! (...) Pour se renforcer sur le plan narcissique. Uniquement pour se donner l’illusion, temporaire (...), qu’elle est supérieure aux autres, et ce, même vis-à-vis de son conjoint et de ses propres enfants…" (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 18, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(5) We were married for approximately one month !
(6) "(...) these subjects impose a veritable burden on the people who approach them and care for them. And this is precisely in that their narcissism relates to perversion." translated from french : "(...) ces sujets imposent un véritable fardeau aux personnes qui les approchent et se soucient d'eux. Et c'est précisément en cela que leur narcissisme touche à la perversion." (Cf. Les perversions narcissiques [Narcissistic perversions], Paul-Claude Racamier, p. 78, Payot, Paris, 2012)
(7) The manipulators use the sexuality to dominate and degrade their partners. They force them to have carnal knowledge unwanted whenever they whant.
"They cast off the act of any tenderness and prefer as if by chance the practices which feel reluctant at you most." translated from french : "Ils dépouillent l'acte de toute tendresse et préfèrent comme par hasard les pratiques qui vous répugnent le plus." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 63, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(8) "The free malicious is the pinnacle of the stupidity (..) It is dangerous to refuse to face this reality. If this sterile cruelty spread, it would lead the humanity to its loss" translated from french : "La malveillance gratuite est le summum de la stupidité (..) il est dangereux de refuser de faire face à cette réalité. Si cette cruauté stérile se répandait, elle mènerait l'humanité à sa perte." (Ibidem p. 9)
(9) "The fear which feel the victims is strong, close to the terror and the panic. Certain victims are even tetanized by the fear. (..) The manipulator threatens a lot, evasively suggests that he will exercise of fierce reprisals and lets you try to guess which ones." translated from french : "La peur que ressentent les victimes est intense, proche de la terreur et de la panique. Certaines victimes sont même tétanisées par la trouille. (..) Le manipulateur menace beaucoup, laisse évasivement entendre qu'il exercera de féroces représailles et vous laisse essayer de deviner lesquelles." (Ibidem p. 206)
(10) Throughout our years of common life, he exercised his omnipotence to subject me, hurt me and torment me.
"On all sides he commands, monitors and heads. Other and firm illusion : that of full ownership." translated from french : "De tous côtés il commande, surveille et dirige. Autre et ferme illusion : celle de toute propriété." (Cf. Les perversions narcissiques, Paul-Claude Racamier, p. 64, Payot, Paris, 2012)
(11) "Charmed, then moved to pity, terrorized and made feel guilty, the victim tires herself out for a long time trying to understand what happens and to adapt herself. She eventually gives up make sense on these absurd behavior. (..) The victim obeys (..) with a single objective : avoid so much that she can these exhausting scenes." translated from french : "Charmée, puis apitoyée, terrorisée et culpabilisée, la victime s'épuise longtemps à essayer de comprendre ce qui se passe et à s'adapter. Elle finit par renoncer à mettre du sens sur ces comportements absurdes. (..) La victime obéit (..) avec un seul objectif : éviter autant qu'elle peut ces scènes épuisantes." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 21, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(12) "The victim anticipates that if she rebels, Grave things will happen. (..) But generally, she avoids and and denies her fears (..) repress her terror (..)" translated from french : "La victime pressent que si elle se rebelle, il va se passer des choses graves. (..) Mais en général, elle fuit et et nie ses peurs (..) refoule sa terreur (..)" (Ibidem p. 76)
(13) "(...) emotions are exacerbated ! The manipulators are constantly crossed by emotions that they try to successfully hide from strangers, but which they briskly unload on their spouse and children. So, the latter are witnesses of transient emotional crises, exaggerated and recurrent." translated from french : "(...) les émotions sont exacerbées ! Les manipulateurs sont constamment traversés par des émotions qu'ils tentent de cacher avec succès aux étrangers, mais dont ils se déchargent allègrement sur leur conjoint et leurs enfants. Ainsi, ces derniers sont témoins de crises émotionnelles passagères, exagérées et récurrentes." (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 83, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014
"A versatile and angry character, he doesn't endure noble thoughts, moral qualities, and doesn't care. He takes pleasure in transgressing, offending morals, and demeaning in a hurtful or meanspirited way." translated from french : "Personnage versatile et colérique, il ne supporte pas les pensées nobles, les qualités morales, et s'en moque. Il prend plaisir à transgresser, à heurter la morale, à rabaisser de façon blessante ou mesquine." (Cf. Petit guide de contre-manipulation, Christophe Caupenne, Éditions Mazarine, 2017)
(14) "Yes, the manipulators would very gladly be polygamous. His dream: to bring his friends [his mistresses] to the house as he wants !" translated from french : "Oui, les manipulateurs seraient très volontiers polygames. Son rêve : ramener ses copines [ses maîtresses] à la maison comme il veut !" (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 98, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(15) "A manipulator being an egocentric person, does not want a child. (..) A manipulator will make children only when he cannot make differently because there is a need, even urgency, to trap his caregiver on the long term." translated from french : "Un manipulateur étant égocentrique, ne veut pas d'enfant. (..) Un manipulateur ne fera des enfants que lorsqu'il ne pourra pas faire autrement parce qu'il y a nécessité, voire urgence, à piéger son pourvoyeur de soins sur du long terme." (Ibidem p. 74)
(16) "They are predators, vampires who don't respect the sovereignty of being and weaken their prey. In contact with them, they feel tired, emptied. This feeling is very important, we have to learn to listen to it. Because tiredness means that the victim is intoxicated." translated from french : "Ce sont des prédateurs, des vampires qui ne respectent pas la souveraineté de l’être et anémient leurs proies. Celles-ci, à leur contact, se sentent fatiguées, vidées. Ce ressenti est très important, il faut apprendre à l’écouter. Car la fatigue signifie que la victime est intoxiquée." (Cf. Dominique Barbier auteur de "La fabrique de l'homme pervers", propos recueillis par Elodie Lesage pour le Nouvel Observateur, 2013)
(17) I received from him no gesture of tenderness during my pregnancies and the years which followed.
(18) "Depreciated for years, she so lost confidence in her that she confirms implicitly the opinion of the father (the spouse) manipulator on her general incapacity. She is even convinced to be good for nothing." translated from french : "Dévalorisée depuis des années, elle a tellement perdu confiance en elle qu'elle entérine implicitement l'avis du père (le conjoint) manipulateur sur son incapacité générale. Elle est même persuadée d'être bonne à rien." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 228, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
"Narcissistically perverse conduct will always be a moral predation : an attack of the ego of the other in favor of the narcissism of the subject. An active disqualification (...) of the ego of the other and his legitimate narcissism." translated from french : "La conduite narcissiquement perverse sera toujours une prédation morale : une attaque du moi de l'autre au profit du narcissisme du sujet. Une disqualification active (...) du moi de l'autre et de son narcissisme légitime." (Cf. Les perversions narcissiques [Narcissistic perversions], Paul-Claude Racamier, p. 34, Payot, Paris, 2012)
"(...) a number of unthinkable talk touch on identity and create a narcissistic rift, like a violent earthquake that would open the earth. In two to three seconds, a few destructive words become indelible. (...) These words can kill... To overcome them, I remain convinced that it is necessary (...) to decide to stop giving credit to these people (...) ; and finally, to realize that you are not responsible for them." translated from french : "(...) nombre de propos invraisemblables touchent à l'identité et créent une faille narcissique, tel un violent tremblement qui ouvrirait la terre. En deux à trois secondes, quelques mots destructeurs deviennent alors indélébiles. (...) Ces propos peuvent tuer... Pour les surmonter, je reste convaincue qu'il faut (...) décider de cesser de donner du crédit à ces personnes (...) ; et enfin, réaliser que vous n'en êtes aucunement responsables." (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 69, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(19) " Your prison is made by doubt, by fear and by guilt (..) At the stage of mental confusion where your manipulator brought you, you need an energetic reverse brain-washing" translated from french : "Votre prison est faite de doute, de peur et de culpabilité (..) Au stade de confusion mentale où votre manipulateur vous a amené, vous avez besoin d'un contre-lavage de cerveau énergique." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 205, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
(20) "Manipulators, men or women, have the particularity of not showing their true faces when they are in society. On the other hand, their spouses and children live daily, and for many years, a silent trauma that causes, for most of them, physical symptoms, psychological and behavioural at first incomprehensible. Victims, moreover, tend to ask a lot of questions about themselves, whereas the problematic lies precisely in each other." translated from french : "Les manipulateurs, hommes ou femmes, ont la particularité de ne pas montrer leur vrai visage lorsqu’ils sont en société. En revanche, leurs conjoints et leurs enfants vivent au quotidien, et durant de longues années, un traumatisme sourd qui engendre, pour la plupart d’entre eux, des symptômes physiques, psychologiques et comportementaux tout d’abord incompréhensibles. Les victimes ont d’ailleurs tendance à se poser beaucoup de questions sur elles-mêmes, alors que la problématique réside justement chez l’autre." (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents], Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 5, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(21) Most of the professionals of the judicial system, police services and of gendarmerie, social services and health (psychologists, psychiatrists...) don't know the functioning of the narcissistic perverts and thus ignore their dangerousness.
"The manipulators know how to appropriate the indulgence, even the approval of the policemen and the gendarmes, the investigators, the mediators, the experts and even the judges." translated from french : "Les manipulateurs savent s'approprier l'indulgence, voire la bénédiction des policiers et des gendarmes, des enquêteurs, des médiateurs, des experts et même des juges." (Ibidem p. 32)
"The more he passes between the meshes of the social and legal net, the more he becomes drunk on his power and the more he becomes a deviant." translated from french : "Plus il passe entre les mailles du filet social et juridique, plus il s'enivre de son pouvoir et plus il devient déviant." (Ibidem p. 19)
(22) "(...) perverted thought (...) is only intended to seduce and enclose, to confuse and hurt its prey, in a narrow net of untruths and left unsaid, of allusions and lies, of innuendo and slanders. It's a thought to intrude on the concern of others, a poison-thought, a thought to dementalize, devalue and disqualify the other ; a thought in actings and tactics, which fragments, divides, and disorients. (...) the skilful dissemination of falsified information, the imposition of no-saying (« don't repeat that... »), the spread of « hearsay », the peremptory affirmation : such are its methods." translated from french : "(...) la pensée perverse (...) ne vise qu'à emballer et enfermer, confondre et poindre sa proie, dans un filet serré de contrevérités et de non-dits, d'allusions et de mensonges, d'insinuations et de calomnies. C'est une pensée pour faire intrusion dans la préoccupation d'autrui, une pensée-poison, une pensée pour démentaliser, dévaloriser et disqualifier l'autre ; une pensée toute en agirs et en manœuvres, qui fragmente, divise, et désoriente. (...) l'habile dissémination d'informations falsifiées, l'imposition du non-à-dire (« ne répétez surtout pas que... »), la propagation des « on-dit », l'affirmation péremptoire : telles sont ses méthodes." (Cf. Les perversions narcissiques [Narcissistic perversions], Paul-Claude Racamier, p. 45-46, Payot, Paris, 2012)
(23) translated from french : Je pense trop, " les pervers sont malveillants, haineux, méfiants, grincheux, lâches, vides et peuvent même être cruels. Il leur faut salir, écraser, massacrer tout ce qui est amour et joie de vivre (..) La méchanceté et la toute-puissance qu'elle leur confère leur procure une jouissance aiguë et enivrante. Quand ils mentent, quand ils blessent et qu'ils humilient, ils se croient très forts et très intelligents", p. 145 et 148, Éditions France Loisirs, Paris, 2015.
(24) "Narcissistically perverse conduct will always be a moral predation : an attack of the ego of the other in favor of the narcissism of the subject." translated from french : "La conduite narcissiquement perverse sera toujours une prédation morale : une attaque du moi de l'autre au profit du narcissisme du sujet." (Cf. Les perversions narcissiques [Narcissistic perversions], Paul-Claude Racamier, p. 34, Payot, Paris, 2012)
(25) He pushed same his delirium until tell to my father whom one day he would take me by car with the children and whom he would throw us into a ravine !
"As with classical manipulators, their social image is fundamental ! It doesn’t matter if they traumatize their children and manhandle them, as long as everyone outside the family thinks they’re great. However, these are particularly dangerous people. Not only the healthy spouse but their children are wasting away in this atmosphere of devious madness. They can even go so far as to commit suicide. Effectively, they distill their venom while vampirisating the psychic energy of their relatives (...)" translated from french : "Tout comme pour les manipulateurs classiques, leur image sociale est fondamentale ! Peu importe si elles traumatisent leurs enfants et les malmènent, du moment que tout le monde à l’extérieur de la famille les croit formidables. Or, ce sont des personnes particulièrement dangereuses. Non seulement le conjoint sain mais leurs enfants dépérissent dans cette ambiance de folie sournoise. Ils peuvent même aller jusqu’à se suicider. Effectivement, elles distillent leur venin tout en vampirisant l’énergie psychique de leurs proches (...)" (Cf. Les parents manipulateurs [The manipulator parents] , Isabelle Nazare-Aga, p. 121, Éditions de l'Homme, 2014)
(26) "The seduction is their first weapon. They know how to be particularly charming and flattering until you fell under influence. Then, as soon as they know you trapped, they remove this seductive mask which they do not need anymore." translated from french : "La séduction est leur première arme. Ils savent être particulièrement charmants et flatteurs jusqu'à ce que vous soyez tombé sous emprise. Puis, dès qu'ils vous savent piégés, ils retirent ce masque séducteur dont ils n'ont plus besoin." (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ?[Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 19, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
"Know that every flatterer, Lives at the expense of those who take him seriously" translated from french : "Apprenez que tout flatteur vit aux dépens de celui qui l'écoute !" (Le Corbeau et le Renard [The Crow and the Fox], Jean de La Fontaine, Fables)
Quotes :
"He always moves forward masked. He spots his prey and doesn't release her any more. Charmer, comprehensive, attentive, he is listening to his beloved, who, he says, is everything for him. He seduces her, makes indispensable, proposes the marriage. (...) Trapped, she won't belong before she becomes disenchanted. The mask falls, more or less fast. The man whom she married turns out to be a predator (...) He humbles his prey, depreciates her, makes feel guilty her, harasses her, causing the quarrels, but never in public. He is a champion of the manipulation. She is afraid of his mood swings, of his angers. She does everything to sort out things. But nothing can be done. This scenario is typical of the narcissistic pervert." translated from french : "Il avance toujours masqué. Il repère sa proie et ne la lâche plus. Enjôleur, compréhensif, attentif, il est à l'écoute de sa bien-aimée, qui, dit-il, est tout pour lui. Il la séduit, se rend indispensable, propose le mariage. (...) Prise au piège, elle ne va pas tarder à déchanter. Le masque tombe, plus ou moins vite. L'homme qu'elle a épousé se révèle être un prédateur (...) Il humilie sa proie, la dévalorise, la culpabilise, la harcèle, provoquant les disputes, mais jamais en public. C'est un champion de la manipulation. Elle craint ses sautes d'humeur, ses colères. Elle fait tout pour arranger les choses. Mais rien n'y fait. Ce scénario est typique du pervers narcissique." (Cf. Les pervers narcissiques, prédateurs impitoyables, Le Monde.fr, 26 mai 2012)
In the behavior of the psychopaths, "we find some constants :
- the intolerance in the frustration, impulsiveness and ease of the « acting out », which show a need for immediate satisfaction of the desires (1) ;
- the aggressiveness and the trend to the antisocial behavior which mark the predominance of the action on the thought ;
- the insensitivity in the repression and the incapacity to benefit from the experience which facilitates the repetition of the antisocial conducts."
translated by french : "on retrouve quelques constantes : l'intolérance à la frustration, l'impulsivité et la facilité du « passage à l'acte », qui témoignent d'un besoin de satisfaction immédiate des désirs ; l'agressivité et la tendance aux comportements antisociaux qui marquent la prédominance de l'action sur la pensée ; l'insensibilité à la répression et l'incapacité à tirer profit de l'expérience qui favorise la répétition des conduites asociales."(Cf. Dictionnaire usuel de psychologie, Norbert Sillamy, Éditions Bordas, p. 550-551, Paris, 1983)
(1) Needs are irresistible
According to Marcel Eck, "the perversion defines itself especially by the transgression of the law. The pervert draws his pleasure, first of all, from the transgression of prohibitions and research for the evil ; he causes the scandal, likes destroying, hurting, making dirty others ; he takes pride in his perversion and seeks to pull other people to follow him" translated by french : "la perversion se définit surtout par la transgression de la loi. Le pervers puise son plaisir, tout d'abord, dans le dépassement des interdits et la recherche du mal ; il provoque le scandale, aime détruire, blesser, salir autrui ; il se glorifie de sa perversion et s'efforce d'entraîner d'autres personnes à sa suite". (Ibidem, p. 511)
"There is a great enjoyment in narcissistic perverses associated with transgression. They take pleasure in offending the moral sense of the other (...) In them, the notion of law is not erased, on the contrary, they take pleasure in circumventing it (...)" translated from french : "Il y a chez les pervers narcissiques une grande jouissance associée à la transgression. Ils prennent plaisir à heurter le sens moral de l'autre (...) Chez eux, la notion de loi n'est pas effacée, au contraire, ils prennent plaisir à la contourner (...)" (Cf. Abus de faiblesse et autres manipulations, Marie-France Hirigoyen, Éditions JC Lattès, 2012)
"The aggressiveness tries to obtain by constraint and fear what we do not think be able to obtain by the dialogue and the negotiation." translated by french : "L'agressivité cherche à obtenir par la contrainte et la peur ce qu'on ne pense pas pouvoir obtenir par le dialogue et la négociation." (Cf. Petites violences ordinaires. La violence psychologique en famille, Yvane Wiart, p. 16, Éd. Le Courrier du Livre, Paris, 2011)
"(..) The aggressors never apologize. Contrary to their victims, who would tend to apologize before beginning whatever it is, so they are afraid of making badly, of not living up or of saying nonsense, the aggressors rarely apologize, and especially not when they are pointed out that they have to be unpleasant. It is moreover there a way to notice quickly an aggressor when the opportunity appears (..)" translated by french : "(..) les agresseurs ne s'excusent jamais. Contrairement à leurs victimes, qui auraient tendance à s'excuser avant de commencer quoi que ce soit, tellement elles craignent de mal faire, de ne pas être à la hauteur ou de dire des bêtises, les agresseurs s'excusent rarement, et surtout pas lorsqu'on leur fait remarquer qu'ils viennent d'être désagréables. C'est d'ailleurs là une manière de remarquer rapidement un agresseur lorsque l'occasion s'en présente (..)" (Ibid p. 33)
"When we are an old little boy at war against her own mother, we cannot have a relation healthy and well-rounded with the women generally, his in particular, and even less with the mother of his children. The manipulators settle with their wife the accounts which they did not settle with their mother. To be sure to dominate her and be taken care, they choose rather a soft and maternal woman, but paradoxically they have a grudge against her of being. (..) When their wife reaches the status hated and dreaded of mother, things go bad: she becomes the enemy to bring down (..) Domestic violence generally begin during the pregnancy. (..)" translated by french : "Quand on est un vieux petit garçon en guerre contre sa propre mère, on ne peut avoir une relation saine et épanouie avec les femmes en général, la sienne en particulier, et encore moins avec la mère de ses enfants. Les manipulateurs règlent avec leur femme les comptes qu'ils n'ont pas réglés avec leur mère. Pour être sûrs de la dominer et de se faire prendre en charge, ils choisissent plutôt une femme douce et maternelle, mais paradoxalement il lui en veulent de l'être. (..) lorsque leur femme accède au statut haï et redouté de mère, les choses se gâtent : elle devient l'ennemie à abattre (..) les violences conjugales commencent généralement pendant la grossesse. (..)" (Cf. Enfants de manipulateurs. Comment les protéger ? [Children of manipulators. How to protect them ?], Christel Petitcollin, p. 27, Éditions Guy Trédaniel, Paris, 2017)
Article "Survive family hell" :
The perversity of my father (Annex 1) :
The demancia of my mother (Annex 2)
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/the-demencia-of-my-mother.html
My elder son : successor of manipulators (annex 4) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2017/12/my-elder-son-successor-of-manipulators.html
My youngest son : successor of tyrant (annex 5)
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/11/my-youngest-son-successor-of-tyrant.html
My methods of safeguarding to protect my psyche (annex 6) :
To free itself from the influence of the manipulators (annex 7) :
- Learn to recognize a manipulative person (annex 8) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/learn-to-recognize-a-manipulative-person-4.html
- When the sport becomes a real therapy ! (annex 9) :
https://la-veritable-lumiere.over-blog.com/2018/10/when-the-sport-becomes-a-real-therapy.html
Article written by Cristina Casado
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