Brought up by toxic parents, perverse, tyrannical, extremely possessive father, to the incestuous behavior, mother willing and reached by a grave mental illness, my childhood was restrained and my life of mutilated adult.
Such a hardly hatched flower which ran out of air and of sun, I was very early totally deprived of freedom by excessively possessive parents.
While I tried to get up by taking away me from this stifling and destructive universe in which I decay dangerously, a despotic husband humbled me and belittled me lower than into the ground.
Finally, I languished over the years because of the toxic behavior of my sons who took up the torch in their turn of their father and their grandfather dead.
My family which should have been a harmonious, reassuring and protective refuge, was unfortunately, for me, the worst of the environments ! Imprisoned, suffocated, oppressed, beaten, raped, humbled and denigrated, the family circle where I would have been able to bloom turned out real hell !!
First part : the family ordeal
However far go back my memories, from the early childhood ̶ I was then two or three years old ̶ my mother walked me every afternoon in stroller until nice little one park situated in the country where I saw no child; there was never anybody when my mother brought me there.
Of all the period of my childhood, except the school, I do not remember having been in the presence of other children, except two cousins whom I sometimes saw during certain school holidays.
Indeed, with the exception of a small part of my family, I saw nobody ! I could not invite a school friend, nor go at her home, even to celebrate a birthday. It was forbidden me !
I was thus isolated, from my early childhood, to satisfy better the extremely possessive behavior of my parents as well as the desire of domination of my father. To exercise better his influence, he needed to have permanently his wife and his daughter under the hand !
I was forced to stay within the family convent, cloistered in the parental walls !
Furthermore, I had a particularly hard and toxic paternal grandmother who wanted it to me until she dies to have seen frequently, for the first time at the age of twenty one years, a young man with whom I was desperately in love.
As this boy did not please to them, the members of my family (my parents, my paternal grandmother, my maternal aunts) having an influence on me joined forces all to prevent me from continuing to see him. Having been a docile and respectful child, then a studious teenager who caused any problem to her parents, I lived all the more their reaction excessively negative towards me as an enormous injustice.
I felt then a terrible despair, a suffering such as I had the impression to receive stabs in full heart. They killed me psychologically ! It was of the violence so intense that I fell apart completely.
There are several manners to annihilate an individual. For me, this big psychological wound was fatal me. They broke my impulse of life, like a little bird to whom we broke frail wings from his first flight.
Since then, I did not live anymore, I survived !
Suffering during my childhood from the difficulty communicating with a mother who was frequently in her delirious universe, I got closer affectively to my despotic father who gave me much more attention. The paternal impact was such as I unconsciously looked for him, later, in my sentimental relations. This is the way at the age of twenty four years, become depressive, anxious and anorexic, because of the psychological violence exercised by my parents against me to prevent me from leaving them, I married a twenty-five years old man my older who knew how to bring me, at this moment, the human heat which I so much needed.
Unfortunately, shortly after my marriage, this alcoholic man, in the paternalistic behavior, so possessive and perverse as my father, turned out to be a violent husband physically and psychologically. Hit, deceived and humbled, I had become the sexual object of this man with whom I conceived nevertheless three children to whom I gave all my love and which filled the emotional lack from which I suffered cruelly. After fourteen years of common life, this alcoholic man who was besides a big smoker was suddenly taken one night by a massive infarct. I was sad for my children but, once past the shock of this testing night, I quickly felt freed.
The years which followed, I did not feel the need to start a new life, being afraid of meeting again a violent man, and dedicated myself completely to my children.
The elder son began to raise me problems at the age of sixteen when he used my bank card without my knowledge to withdraw money on my account. As I had introduced him to the driving, at his request for fifteen years, and registered in a driving school to prepare its driving accompanied by a qualified driver one year later, he found nothing better that to steal the keys of my car to go to walk with friends ! This is the way within two years, I had to go to get back him three times at the post of police, because he was still minor. At the age of eighteen, he sank into an addiction in the cannabis and began to receive at my home, against my will, young drug-addicts. To thwart my vigilance, he made them pass through the window of his room situated in ground floor!
His behavior had changed and our relations became more and more conflicting. He let go itself completely, neglected itself and did not any more succeed in getting up in the morning to go on his workplace. A few months after his twenty years, by being able no more his extremely rebel behavior and his big instability, I was forced, the torn heart, to throw out him while he had just met his future partner. His drug had destroyed our relation! He settled down then at his partner's, but continued nevertheless to despoil me financially to satisfy his addictions (cannabis, alcohol, tobacco), not succeeding in keeping no employment and being especially lacking motivation to look for it.
My second son, who was the one with which one I had most affinities, caused me no particular problem and he was a support during several years, but became over the years more and more dependent in internet.
The youngest, in the very rebel temperament, has never wanted studied, and even began playing hooky during its last years to the college. As I did not anymore succeed in making him go to class, he was placed at the age of fifteen by social services.
That is when I began finally to think of little to me and to look for a friendly or sentimental relation, of what disapproved my elder son. A few months later, I met a sensitive, kind and thoughtful man who was a few days after our meeting threatened by my elder son. The latter had understood that he would have from now on more difficulties exercising his influence on me. I was forced to leave my place of residence to escape the harassment the object of which I was. The behavior of my elder son drug addict, that of the youngest who had become over the years harder and harder and difficult to manage, the health of my parents which declined with the ageing and of which I had to take care more and more regularly, had had an impact on my psychic health already weakened for several years.
It is in the place of residence of the one who will become my boyfriend that I tempted to cheer up myself quite slowly. It was a tearing for me to be in the obligation to take some distance with my sons, because we were bound, especially since the death of their father, by a fusional relation.
On one year later, I took a new apartment where I continued to receive my youngest son, always in measure of placement, during weekend and the school holidays. A few months after his majority, while he persisted in breaking rules at my home, he threatened in his turn my partner. In these conditions, it was difficult to me to continue to welcome him.
Today, my relations with my elder son which were more and more straigtened since my departure became very punctual, my second sank into the schizophrenia and the last one, become too a drug addict, whose situation remains very unstable, present all the signs of the paranoiac behavior.
What a distress for me! And what a despair!
Second part : the pathological consequences
The psychological ill-treatments which I underwent on behalf of my toxic parents made for me sink in the adulthood into an overdrawn pre-psychotic state accompanied with an important psychomotor inhibition, with strong attacks of anxiety and depression. After my studies and a short working period, I was locked and cut by the society. Not succeeding any more in finding a reason for living, I sank into an anorexia nervosa which weakens me and made me decline physiologically. It was unconsciously the only outcome which I found at this moment to escape their detention and leave this life which did not bring me more than suffering and pain.
I was saved by a member of my maternal family which noticing my state, having convinced my parents, accompanied me to consult a doctor psychiatrist. In front of my psychic but also physiological state which became more and more critical, he considered vital to take away me from this harmful family environment and made me hospitalize in a nursing home situated in mountain, to allow me to regain strengths, to rest me, and to find a certain freedom.
Two months later, the man when I went married later by despair, arrived then in the establishment where I stayed. He quickly spotted me in the dining hall because, as I still had difficulty feeding correctly, I often was one of last boarders to end my meals. He was settled at my table in his request and spoke to me immediately with sympathy and condolence. He began to build with me a paternalistic friendship and « to take me under his wing like a small wounded bird » as he liked to repeat him. Alone and distraught, he brought me at this moment the attention and the affection which missed me so much. The trap was set up !
My morale raised then little by little, I fed already better and regained some strengths. He continued to behave so until the day of our marriage. Afterward, his behavior become violent strengthened my depressive and anxious state which was translated more and more by a psychomotor inhibition. His belittlement was such as he succeeded even in persuading me that I was an abnormal and incapable person! Nevertheless, his accesses of fury started always by harmless facts demonstrated well that his behavior was excessive and unbalanced. It is thus good he who had big problems ! It is moreover for our first years of common life that I began, on the wise advice of my psychiatrist, to take a medicinal treatment with antidepressants and with anxiolytics.
I was often weakened, because even if I fed better than during my anorexic period, my depressive and anxious pathology acted on the plan physiological as a psychological cancer which ate away at me from the inside.
Today, I regained strengths and I feed well thanks to the support of my companion, but my health remains fragile and this cancer pursues its action especially during the periods of family storm.
Nevertheless, I do not give up and continue to fight to the everyday life !
The vital flame which shines at the bottom of me went out never completely, it simply weakened a lot during certain periods of my life.
The third part : the fight to be led to survive
To survive in a family environment so negative, I was forced to take some distance with my relatives, to protect me, and allow to continue to look after myself in better conditions. It was at first extremely painful for me, but unfortunately vital !
That is how the medical care which I still need was able to be relieved, and that a homeopathic treatment substituted itself gradually for my treatment with antidepressants and with anxiolytics. Having been followed by three psychotherapists in twenty four years among which two brought me an important support, I undertook a psychotherapy with a psychologist clinician who has a practice E.M.D.R., to handle and desensitize the traumas accumulated throughout my route.
Nevertheless, I pursue my care with the doctor psychiatrist who follows me from now on five years. He had the intelligence not to try to prescribe me at all costs a prescription! The conversations are managed towards a work of reflection on one, as well as on an objective and thorough analysis of the diverse situations lived until this day. His competence and his open-mindedness made me glimpse the way of the cure on which my helping companion is extremely involved.
At the same time, I consult a doctor homeopath in the enriching psychological approach which also brings me an effective support in my course of care. Her sharpness of analysis allowed me to have a more objective vision of the diverse toxic behavior of my family circle of acquaintances, and to enlighten me on the manipulator and perverse personalities by whom it is constituted. She so has me to help to clarify many difficult and complex situations !
Despoiled financially by my elder son and punctually by certain hostile people who made an excessive use of my confidence, I was forced, on the advice of my companion, to present a request to Judge supervising a guardianship to be placed under legal protection. First of all, to protect my interests, a guardian who showed herself straightaway ineffective was appointed. Fortunately, she left her function a little time after her appointment.
A new judicial representative was then appointed. HIs human qualities, his availability and his efficiency to bring solutions to the complex situations with which I was confronted, constituted for me an invaluable support. What a conscientiousness and what an investment !
A thermal doctor, endowed with big skills regarding behavioral psychology and convinced of the therapeutic virtues of the sport, also intervened during several years to recommend me a diligent practice of the physical and sports activities. His look of expert on the diverse aspects of my pathology allowed me to become aware that it was possible to me to rise again, to fight my very crippling psychomotor inhibitions by stimulating my body to the everyday life !
So, he encouraged my companion who is a sports teacher to pursue the psychomotor work which he had undertaken with me, based on adapted and personalized exercises.
In May, 2013, on the advice of my companion, I even took a sports license in the French Federation of Sport Adapted to practise the athletics and to participate in some competitions with other people suffering of psychological troubles.
In this rather friendly atmosphere, I felt the desire and the motivation to surmount my difficulties and to surpass me, what allowed me to progress rather quickly and to discover me some unsuspected capacities.
I pursued this momentum until May, 2014, period in which my second son stayed in a hospital to have sunk into schizophrenic disorders. I knew then several months of depression during which I continued nevertheless to make some exercises of maintenance to avoid that my body congeals in the point to jam totally. Towards the end of the year, when the health of my son began to improve and his situation to stabilize, I left in thermal stay in Pyrenees to cheer up myself. This is when I took again gradually my trainings to participate in events of nature race. Thanks to my perseverance and to the wise advice of my trainer who accompanied me on a daily basis, I reached even a level being enough for qualifying me in my first French championships, in March, 2015. I never thought I would be capable !
Since then I participated in some competitions, certain with valid sportsmen, among whom four French championships in Adapted Sport. A few weeks before the last championships, I crossed again a period of depression and fears because of the situation complicated with my sons. In one month, I lost five kilos and approximately a third of my physical abilities! I had no more enough energy to stay in the same performance level.
As I was every day tired and as I lose courage constantly, my trainings became harder and harder, the doubt settled down and the lack of confidence in me got over it. Nevertheless, even if my times were not at the level of those whom I would have been able to be capable of realizing, the stay made on the occasion of these championships was very profitable for me, because he allowed me to disconnect the space of a few days of my family circle become more and more stressful.
My health fluctuates especially according to the events of my family circle. It is the reason why, to look after me in a more favorable environment, I make a big cut twice a year within the contexf of a thermal stay.
The evolution of the psychological troubles being essentially dependent on the environment, it is essential, and sometimes even vital, to take some distance to try to reconstruct !
Nevertheless, today still, I did not still succeed in finding really the taste to live. Indeed, all these traumas had ended up broking the life force which had however remained present in me as long as I had been able to keep a social link, within the context of my studies and of a brief professional period of activity. I had then known three endless years of psychological destruction during which the behavior of my parents was so harmful as it made me lose any envy to live. This is when I lost the appetite and weakens me considerably. Nevertheless, after my meeting with the father of my children, even plunged in the depths of despair, I believed to glimpse the possibility of hanging up me to life ! Tragically, my marital life was so disastrous as I was completely annihilated from then on !!
Two of my sons being, just like their father and their grandfather, narcissistic perverts of whom the respective behavior empties me of quite my energy, I do not reach to restucture me yet psychically.
Completely broken by my most blood relatives, thus could not I ever find, even with all the affection and the attention bring me my companion on a daily basis, the liveliness of the flame which shone formerly in me ?
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Article written by Cristina Casado